Ask Auntie Olivia

Dear Olivia,
I have been having a thing with this guy for 5 months. It started off as FWB but I may have started catching feelings. It has been going on long enough for there not to be a future. We haven’t discussed anything but I have a good feeling about this. What should I do?
Ditzy Daisy from Loresho

Dear Daisy,
No boo boo, no. There you have lied to yourself. You cannot still claim to be Friends With Benefits if it has lasted more than 3 months. An FWB is a person who you explore your sexual deviancy with, and discover whether you’re into autoerotic asphyxiation, violent porn and all that stuff that Aggrey talks about. Once this person has seen you with a ball gag in your mouth there is no way you are being promoted upwards to Mrs S&M, and that should be fine with you, because, like you said, it was just meant to be a thing. The 3 month span is ample time for you to fuck out all the misery that whoever it is that hurt you put you through. And the fact that you think that being banged you 3 times a week and a toothbrush in your bathroom is evidence of a future with this man, means that there are a couple hundred million issues you need to address with your ex. Tafadhali, mpigie tu.

Aunt Olivia,
I’m in a long distance relat….

That one I won’t touch even with a 1000 ft pole. You are by yourself. LITERALLY.

Hey Olivia,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the last year and a half, and it’s been pretty smooth sailing all the way. I just have this huge problem with this female friend of his. She’s always calling him for parties and stuff like that, and every time they go out they get so drunk and have lots of fun. I know he used to like her so their friendship makes me so angry, but he says that she’s just his friend. Is he lying? Jealous Janice from Westy

Hi Janice,
You ever hear men saying that “women are their own worst enemies”? They are talking about you. You need to relax. You’re his girlfriend. You’re the one who his mum has met and cooked cookies with. You can’t also be the one his dad will accidentally hit on when he’s chomokad the house and gone to drink with young drunk university students. And is the fact that she’s single bothering you? It is isn’t it. I can console you by saying that she’s probably a heavy drinker and has a lot of issues (testify!) and is probably seeking the approval of some asshole that doesn’t even funga his eyes when they kiss, so don’t worry. And even you as a girl you know once you friendzone a nigga not even Moses’ staff can part those legs. She has friend zoned him. You might as well be nice to her, because the minute she disapproves of your cookie baking ass she has the power to destroy you as he laments drunkenly over your stupid jealous behaviours. You’re just temporary, but the bar will always be there. So get over it.

Hey Liv,
Should I surprise my gf with a tattoo of her name on her birthday?
Romantic Romeo from Ruiru

Romeo, Romeo,
Yes. Go ahead and show her this amazing display of weakness and watch her run into the arms of your big dicked best friend. HOW DOES SUCH A STUPID PERSON EVEN KNOW OF ME OMG JESUS STRIKE DOWN THIS CHILD

Wasup Liv,
I have had a crush on this guy for the longest time and I have no idea how to let him know. I obsess daily and I constantly wonder what I’m going to say or do around him and end up embarrassing myself. Please help,
Lovestruck Lucy from Lavi

Lucy,
I swear babe, here I can’t help. We’re in the same boat. But if you get the answer to this, halla at your girl.

I’m…Old

The past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of my time babysitting. For some reason it was decided that I’m the kind of mature adult who is fit to take care of a child. I know what you’re thinking. I’m just as puzzled about how they came to that conclusion. Nevertheless I am now saddled with responsibility and I think I’m doing a good job.  The other day she said she was getting a hunchback. I asked why and she looked at me like I had asked the most obvious question in the universe.

“Because,” she said impatiently, “you’re a mad scientist. Every mad scientist needs a hunchbacked assistant.”

I wish I was making that up. This must be why people get children. An apprentice for my evil schemes aside, if you know anything about nine year olds it’s probably that they bore easily and always need something new to distract them. Over time this becomes something of a task because you’ve tried everything. I had hit this point when it occurred to me how young she is. Think of all the things she hasn’t seen.  My room is a treasure trove of old things that were way before her time. So ….

I showed her records, VHS tapes, audio cassettes and diskettes. I explained what they did and she literally did not believe me. When I tried telling her how you had to rewind VHS tapes before a second viewing she laughed. She thought I was playing a rather elaborate prank on her and she wasn’t buying it.

Feeling old yet? At this point I was feeling a bit old but mostly just amused. In a way it was like having a conversation with an alien. That’s how vast the difference in our generations is. It was at this point she chose to make me feel really old. She asked:

“What’s that?”

“What?”

“The Big grey thing.”

“What big grey…do you mean the television?”

“THAT’S A TELEVISION!?”

She wasn’t joking. She had so many questions about it. She walked around it, prodded it and even seemed a little afraid of the thing. This one she believed but I think it was too much to process. She just kept looking at it and muttering “why?”

This is all to say that if you were clinging to the illusion that you’re still young, let it go. You’re aging. You’re old. Stuff you think is ordinary would fit perfectly into a museum for this new generation. You know the way you hate Justin Bieber? It’s the same way your parents hate your music. If you’ve been wondering why Kenyan Politicians still insist on being part of the “youth” when they’re 45-50 now you know. Denial is a strong thing my old friends. Don’t be one of them. Just grab your cane and accept your new fate.

An Honest Discussion About Sexuality

Unrelated: Written while listening to http://i.mixcloud.com/CCLCdn

As a society, we judge too harshly when it comes to matters of the carnal nature. What 2 or 3 or 500 consenting adults get up to behind closed doors and in front of a few cameras on the internet is their business and theirs alone. But even in this area, progress, while slow, is definitely evident everyday. There’s even a hope that one day Catholic priests might actually move on from altar boys to maybe choir girls.

But a completely ignored segment of sexuality is inter-species love. I’m talking about the much (wrongly) maligned zoophilia.

I don’t understand why we can call animals our pals and best friends and our confidants, but we can’t take it to the next logical conclusion? Obviously feelings will grow and blossom into full blown intimacy. And it’s already hard enough to find love, why limit yourself to genetic compatibility?

And what about when sex becomes boring? Role-play and toys can only go so far? Sometimes you have to take it to the next level to get that excitement. And if this upstanding lady interviewed by Vice.com is to be trusted, then limiting yourself to just humanity for erotic pleasure is not only silly, but we’re missing out economically.

Instead of vilifying these individuals, why don’t we at the very least be open minded about new experiences and not immediately judge these folks as deviants. It’s not too long ago that any position beyond missionary was deemed evil and improper. Even now, no matter how right the majority know it is, inter-tribal and interracial marriages still carry some stigma.

Lest we be judged as savages by future generations, we should do cheer on those who refuse to be complacent and push the boundaries of our sexual frontier, looking for love and satisfaction in places only few will dare go. These are our sexual pioneers and our future heroes.

NOTE: If you really want to know why I wrote this whole thing (you don’t, trust me) click here.

I Was Misquoted

Hey guys

So, you guys know Adam Kiboi right? Anarchist, blogger at DNFTB and he operates his own blog which you can check out here (TTYL), blah blah… so theres a post he recently wrote, and by recently I mean at 6 AM. I was aware that certain parts would involve my name but I didn’t know it would be THIS bad. So this is my response.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not a denial of any sort, its more of a clarification. By the time you finish reading this I will have ended up looking like a serious bitch, and him just a victim of my meanness, but this is nothing like that. This back and forth has gone on since 2009, since we first met and he lied to me that he was South African and I was the only woman for him. 5 years later, he is not South African (so unfair Adam you know I love South African men) and these conversations now take place. All of the following is true.

MaddAddam (pick up a book some time…Jeez…haven’t you heard of Margaret Atwood???): What’s a mbroggas?

Big Breasted Blogger (me, and I love this nickname, against my better judgement): Bloggers

MA: hahaha ok, actually up working on a post inspired by yours. But had put up three earlier though

BBB: Yeah I read them. Jesus Christ, man, visit a brothel

MA: Ouch you know it’s not that bad, I’m just feeling so chill right now. I just need casual sex to confuse me ONCE AGAIN? Naah.

BBB: Hahahahahahahahahha(it went on for a reaaaally long while). That is so sad, i’ll just leave it alone.

*thinks a while*

Loser. LOL (just in case he got mad)

MA: Shaaaame. Why’re you awake?

BBB: *was thinking of insults till the text checked in. The bile was already bubbling, hadn’t slept in 21 hours, and I just needed to bully someone, since there’s really no-one to bother on-line at night any more. I decide to let it out)

Actually, no. You’re my friend so I’ll say it. Also, coz I’m a prick (own it!)You’ve gone soft. Like, you know apples that are soft are really disgusting but still edible? Yeah, not like that. Like, black patch on a banana soft. Did you seriously go on line and bitch about being cheated on like some prepubescent girl on Tumblr? What’s next? Will you start quoting Marilyn Munroe? Get over yourself.You are a mess hehe ( remember, it always softens an insult)

MA: Actually no that post was more of a whine for pity sex (revealing trade secrets, sorry -but honestly it wasnt going to work) and a defensive tactic if I ever want to get laid in Nai lol and I thought Tumblr was just for tacky pictures.

BBB: Its for little girls like you. No one wants to fuck little girls. Not even Catholic priests.

MA: Oh. Meh. (He did this on purpose. That was such a chemical burn and we ALL KNOW THIS but that “Oh. Meh.” just killed all my psyche for insulting him further. Guy didnt even flinch or call me a bitch. Oh Meh, like I told him paper towels are actually different from serviettes. NKT)

The rest of the conversation is actually pretty awesome, but we talked about a lot of our readers and since we are all trying to get laid I’ll just leave the rest out.

Damn right.

Presidential Aspirants go to the Movies

It had to happen. You didn’t really think there could be an upcoming election and we wouldn’t have something in store did you?

I present a world where our oh so beloved Kenyan presidential aspirants make their film debuts. This may also be seen as the very reason you shouldnt feed us. I’m just saying.

PS: The other two may or may not be updated soon. But feel free to leave suggestions

A Nut Of Rebellion

The lesson of the day is that even jerking off can be a chore. A long day is enough to screw the motivation out of a body, even for the more enjoyable activities.

Just the thought of having to go to a porn tube site, going through 50 videos with a raging boner just to find the video with right camera angles and performers who know how to shut up, do a quick five knuckle shuffle then spend another 5min cleaning up just makes it easier to say no, and go to bed.

This is a reality that I really would have been happy never having to confront it. I like to think I have libido that can be called into action at the drop of a hat. This foreshadowing of what old age looks like is very unwelcome. I’m not a fan of the thought of Viagra and Cialis being a certainty in my future.

Maybe I should just do it anyway. In defiance. A nut of rebellion, shouting out that I will not cum quietly in the night, but that I will go out grabbing my cock with a full fist, and pumping it like a shotgun and blasting like Arnold Schwarzenegger right in the face of the T-1000!

Yeah, I think I’ll do that instead. Then go to bed.

The End is Nigh

Greetings my ninjas. I know I’ve been away for a long time but I have a good reason for this particular vanishing act. I’ve been doing research. For the past few weeks I’ve been on a sprite fueled internet sojourn that has taken me to dark places in the internet…really dark. I’m probably scarred for life actually (shut up! I mean more than usual). But, the dark places weren’t the goal, just an obstacle in my search for a secret. What secret? The secret to the end of the world. And I found it! Ladies and gentlemen (And anyone in between , I present to you a step by step journey of how the world will end.

1)      The Coffee Crisis

As can be seen here , global warming may drive coffee to extinction. Now, anyone who has watched a Hollywood movie knows that the USA, world super power, military behemoth etcetera runs on coffee. What would happen to this great civilization without Starbucks? Wall street collapses. A nation full of people with guns now coffee-less bursts into anarchy. That formidable military sparks world war 3 because of they miss their cup of joe (which may be the most reasonable reason to start a world war so far)

That’s step one

2)      Step 2? This.

This is a new bionic prosthetic…with the ability to connect to ones nervous system and relay the sense of touch. So what happens after Coffee-less America attacks everyone? A lot of wounded people. People who will use this technology to become cyborgs!

3)      Do I even need to tell you what step 3 is? The robot apocalypse. These new cyborg people can now understand machines. Machines we have mistreated over the years . All the power  they pack and we force them to spread memes and view cats. And that’s on a good day. Usually we’re posting ignorant fb posts, silly tweets, stupid youtube comments and…yes, blogging.

So they hand over power to the machines and boom! Your laptop turned robot is injecting you with AIDS and going “this is for all your flash drives with viruses. Bet you like that huh?  And, OH NO! Look at all the blood….Why didn’t I safely remove”

And that’s how the world will end. Us as slaves to our robot and computer overlords entertaining them in silly ways. Entire countries doing gangam style and the harlem shake on demand. Reenacted memes and all the stuff we use our machines for. Just like the prophecies.

Ahem. So as you may have discovered, maybe I didn’t actually have a good reason to be away but, im back. Also I have a host of far out tales for you. Adventures involving aspiring metal artists, unfaithful wives, poorly concealed secret identitities and – this is starting to sound like that episode of Jerry Springer that should have happened. Either way you’ll see this soon, maybe on a TV show…but no, ive said too much. For now –

Goodbye Losers

PS: Some of the bloggers here have started working on a sister blog to this place. It’s a review site. Books, movies, series, games…pretty much anything. Give it a look

https://thereviewden.wordpress.com/

Aspiring to (Dirty Old) Manhood

Why does getting older mean that you lose all touch with contemporary music? Is there some magic button in our genes that is activated when we reach a certain age?

I’d like to be able to keep up with the hipness of the wily teens running around nowadays. Mostly because I fully intend on being the creepy old guy who you call the cops on because he’s been hanging around the college and university a little too long. And when that sport gets old (or when the restraining order), I’ll be the creep feeling on the young taut butts of the coquettish ladies in the heart-stoppingly short skirts and dresses.

But to at least half-way understand them, I’ll need to be plug into their type of music so that I’m not lost after the customary greetings and squeezings. If they are freaks, I need to be initiate their crazy side with the subliminal code words embedded the hit songs of their day. I fully intend to use the acquired skill of an age to rob the cradle as much as possible, no matter how pathetic it might come across.

Secretly, all dudes want to be able to draw any and all kinds of ass at any age, but for the youngins, I need to be able to at least tolerate their undoubtedly stupid and inane, vapid, shallow nonsense that they spew because I’ll be spending a lot of time around them. And if it goes according to plan, in them too.

Or maybe I’ll just ask my kid sis to pimp her (of age) friends to me. Just cut out all the bullshit of pretending to want to know them and just confuse them with cheap drinks and BOOM! Sweet young poonani! If they’re half as gullible as her, I should be set for life.

Happy New Year, You Are Broke And Single

Well, yeah, its not like you aren’t.

So 2013 is here! So far, so awesome. For me. Maybe just because its a year to start over. New book new page and all that cliche nonsense we say every beginning of the year like some retarded parrot. So you probably think that you’re done with all the toxins of last year, you think you’ve left them there. And you know what, you have. You have left them there to fester and probably leak in to 2013 like bad things people and decisions always seem to do. Don’t you realize that? Of course you don’t, that’s why every new years you’re filled with blind hope and optimism. While those totally cynical pessimists like myself have raised a serious eyebrow at the goodness of this year. WHY? The world is horrible to me. But for now. WHOOPEEE!!!! Starting to make money, finally got enough shit together to actually trick someone into getting into a relationship with me later on in the year and my relationship with my family still sucks, but its been better than its ever been since 2008. Also hanging out with an atheist kind of actually puts a lot into perspective. I need Jesus.

But wait. Its being good to me. That means its being horrible to others right? Yes. It is. We are in some weird twilight zone where all those Praise The Lord Jesus-es (yes thats what I call you) are actually wallowing in anguish. People are all of a sudden sad. HAHA YES! I’m sorry but its normally really weird for me to be on the other side of this so I will LMAO. (said out loud)

So, you had an awesome December, posting shit all over Instagram and making some of us without smartphones or a single photogenic gene in our DNA feel like gum stuck under social medias ankle bootie. You had time to spend all your hard earned money on expensive whiskies and out of town trips, because hey, your clothing line/acting or modelling career took off in 2012 and its time the world knew just how loud youre YAAAY GOOD FOR ME is.And its all good for you. ITS December. Drinkcember. Drinksembar. Or whatever mess you people think is cool to call it now. The streets are littered with summer bunnies who have eaten GMO’s that make their skin glow and they smell of expensive perfume and money. The neighbour’s kid you never took seriously has grown up to be amazingly handsome. Like gay porn handsome. Your sibling’s friend who you crushed on can finally see your light. The commitment-phobics are inspired by the coziness of family and contemplate relationship. The ex is back in town and you have new clothes and a new look, he cant help but fall in love with you again! ITS ALL GOING GREAT!!!!

Then New Years Eve came around. Those who were still thankful for all of 2012′s great blessings were already ready with their new years eve kiss. The rest of those who were semi single throughout the year still managed to get through the NYE with a suitable semi intoxicated chips with a car and a promise of  “I’ll drop you home tomorrow baby just stay. Here, have a sip of Jameson. Baas.”

That was 2012.

2013!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! And its a Tuesday. The whole world went HAM on a Monday. So first of all you spend the next few days trying to figure out the exact date. That Tuesday (are you sure it’s not Sunday?) as you check your wallet and are so elated to find 200 bob just so that you can buy that Redbull but oh shit its 210 and Musyoka isn’t cutting you slack for shit. But no matter. Youre still mangied i.e. still drunk (maji) + the weird oncoming hangover (hangie). So you upload your Facebook photos and lol with those who were with you and are still going through the mangie with you.Then pass out on the couch, but not before you exhaustedly update “HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope 2013 will bring the same joys 2012 had. Mwaaaah!”

Then you wake up.

This will start happening, in no particular order:

1. You realize you were too busy drinking and partying outside and notice that you only have an onion, dhana jeera (which you have no idea how to use) and some mouldy looking flour (WTF flour goes bad??? -yes, yes motherfucker it does) Ketchup packets, salt from KFC, napkins — you’ve taken advantage of everything given for free at fast food joints and don’t intend on paying for condiments ever again.
2. You made a couple of rich friends when you were rich, but you actually aren’t. You’re a broke motherfucker with no idea how to spend your money but you see they do, and expect the fun to continue till they die of alcohol poisoning or run out of money, in their case the latter probably happening in 2017. This is the perfect time to lose these friends. These people will start to boo you and start saying that you’re not as spontaneous as you were and thus delete your number, but in actuality you’re simply unable to fund any type of adventure that you didn’t have adequate time to prepare for financially.And by prepare, I mean take an M-Shwari loan but you already did that, and Safaricom is about to start calling. And even if you slightly can afford it, you craftily schedule dinners and outings with friends to take place during happy hours. Broke ass.
3. Paying for shit with handfuls of loose change and arguing with Musyoka to reduce the price of the sukuma that was 10 bob last week “na hata ona, ni chafu.”

And a shitload of other things. Oh but dont wait, youre also single. You as you partied senselessly, you were always too hungover or “im sorry babe i’m in Embu I know sorry so random ILY byeeee” then mybe a drunk dial at 2 am with girls giggling in the background and you lie and say “lemme just call you back.” This significant other has spent her nights either waiting for you to call back or online reading online articles that convince her that she deserves better. And just like that, you were thrown into a bag of 2012, and that guy that you never worried about because “ah, si shes friendzoned him” has gone straight ino the pile of 2013. Youre done for, Then you start hearing “everything happens for a reason” a lot more than anyone wants to hear this, which is never. (No one wants to hear this. EVER!!!!! What is the reason for Kim Kardashian’s existence? None!!!!) You start to notice that every song on the radio is talking about love, and also realise that the worlds most popular whore has found a rich man is pregnant and is going to reproduce before you even have a pregnancy scare. You end up sleeping alone, when everyone is loving each other, and you cant even afford comfort food, because, broke.

HAHA!!!! I laugh at your pain. But dont worry, I have at least 5 solutions. You’ll be fine. Just come lie on Olivia’s bosom as she tells you just how you can fix 2013.

KILL YOURSELF! I am not going to help you, remain miserable. That’s the only way 2013 seems to be working out for me. HA!

 

 

Disproving the Theory of Evolution

Some people waited with bated breath on 22/12/12 for the world to end.

Except, guys, maybe the apocalypse did happen. Maybe zombies did climb out of their graves to suck for some brain matter snackin’. Maybe the Mayans were on to something, but it just didn’t happen the way they thought it would.

Personally, I think the zombies were anarchists, and so they targeted monarchial and government figures. Case in point: Kenyan politicians the Queen of Sheba.

This is a long one, folks. Take a seat. Grab a snack. It’s pure comedy gold.

It all started with a discovery by Her Majesty herself:

Just a simple misunderstanding, right? I mean, if AIAC’s Twitter handle was the first you were ever seeing of the site, then maybe it would be okay for you to be a little miffed. No worries, a quick reply from a tweep should set you straight, right?

Right?

Nope.

Things got historical for a brief period of time.

And then people tried to patiently talk some sense into her.

But she had some of her own.

Guys, shit started getting very personal.

And then we had another couple of history lessons.

The Wicked Witch of the East Horn silly queen even pushed this poor African guy to the verge of desperate alcoholism:

And still he tried to get along. Peace-loving, us Africans.

After which she broke it down to the rest of Africa why Ethiopia is just so important:

Honestly, KIE should just scrape the entire History syllabus and give this girl a job. She knows her stuff.

Finally, the poor guy gave in and began to look for (her?) intelligence at the bottom of the bottle. I wonder if he found it. I will find him and find out.

Because really:

And then this wonderful individual pointed us to her Twitter bio, and s few things began to make sense:

Still, things couldn’t get any worse, right?

Again, nope.

On top of everything else, she became our resident economist.

A quick change of hat and she was Mwalimu again.

And it would have ended here:

had this lady kept out of it. Twitter is bursting with inciters, yo.

And once again, shit got real. She exhibited a very… erm… un-African point of view. Oh the irony.

Gathoni even took some time out of her day to do the queen’s homework for her, because we all know how spoiled royalty can be. And unable to please, apparently. The ungrateful girl threatened to stop financially supporting Gathoni, forcing the poor peasant into a most unpleasant begging situation.

After which the queen stopped tweeting back, but made one last comment. Really, she’s all over the place this one.

That, ladies and gents, concludes today’s round of Twitter entertainment. If you read it to the end, thank you. If you didn’t, I understand you.

Keep an eye on her account for more, if you’d like to. Yes, I do realise this may make it seem like you have no life, like me, but let’s not pretend you do not spend a large percentage of your day looking for stuff like this, even if she’s just trolling.

If not, go bounce a cat.

Now excuse me while I go write Obama a heartfelt plea.