“Agh, don’t do it again you stupid laptop. Don’t crash, don’t crash…Oh for Satan’s sake!”
“What did you just say?”
“What you said just now.”
“I said ‘you stupid laptop…’”
“No after that!”
“I asked ‘what?’”
“No, before that and after that other thing. In the middle”
“I…I don’t think I said anything in the middle. Empty spot right there. It was kind of a doughnut of a sentence really.”
“You said, ‘Oh, for Satan’s sake’”
“Yeah, I heard you!”
“I really doubt it. I think I’d remember saying something like that. I probably said oh for SANTA’s sake, that makes more sense.”
“It really doesn’t.”
“No, like you have to make Santa feel good. You invoke his name, play on his pride, that’s just how you get presents. Everybody knows that.”
“No, they don’t actually.”
“This is why you don’t get presents at Christmas”
“Are you secretly a Satanist.”
“A satanist! A devil worshipper.”
“A…What? That accusation is ridiculous, absurd, insane, offensive -”
“You always string on adjectives when you’re lying.”
“Ok fine but it’s not what you think.”
“Kevin, I just discovered you’re an undercover satanist…it would be an incredible feat if I actually had premade thoughts on the matter.”
“I’m going to explain myself anyway.”
Listen. This is for all you people judging me right now. I’m not exactly a Satanist. I’m a token Satanist. You know those religious people who are only religious when it’s suitable to what they want to do or when they’re in trouble? Yeah, it’s like that. And I figure as long as you’re going to half ass a religion, you might as well pick one with advantages. Amirite? Somehow I doubt you’re cheering me on. But that’ll change.
Let me give you a quick lesson in Satanism (that you probably don’t want but are too curious to ignore). While some groups of people have something like say… the 10 commandments, we have the 11 Satanic rules. It’s our backbone, more or less. What are these rules?
Rule one: Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
Right? How many times have you said this? I’m willing to bet it’s at least every damn week. You know why? Because you my friend are a Satanist at heart and you should embrace it. But I don’t expect you to rush into it. I know you’re still unconvinced. So…
Rule Two: Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
That hit a spot didn’t it? You want to tell half the people in your contacts this, don’t you? We Satanist get you. We’re really not as bad as you think. Two rules in and it’s like we read your mind (We didn’t…not really anyway).
Rule Three: When in another’s lair, show them respect or else do not go there.
You want to cheer but you won’t because you’re a good [insert appropriate religious affiliation here] but it’s really just common sense. Yeah, we’ll use words like Lair here and there but that’s just tradition. It’s nothing to think about. Our rules just make sense and it’s undeniable.
Now, you’re thinking, what’s the catch?
I won’t lie to you, there is one. We’re not hippies. We’re Satanist. That’s to say we actually do have a dark side. We have rules like:
Rule Four: If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy.
But think about it. It makes sense doesn’t it? You come to my house and annoy me and then EXPECT mercy? Come on. Not cool. You deserve what happens next. Respect. The. Lair. It’s not much to ask.
However, if you’re hedging because of that, remember:
Rule Five: Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal
Boom! You see that? Satanists for consent. No means no. Even we Satanists know that. It’s right there in our main rules.
Rule Six: Do not take that which does not belong to you, unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.
Thy shall not steal unless that stealing will help the other person. Only steal your neighbours burdens. You see? We’re really nice once you get to know us.
Rule Seven: Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
I mean, what kind of ass denies magic after using it to succeed at life? Who? Magic has feelings. Don’t be a dick. But, If magic screws you over then feel free to detest it and it’s users. (See Mr. Filch in Harry Potter).
Rule Eight: Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
Are you getting convinced? I mean, he’s no saint but Motivational Speaker Lucifer knows what’s up. He get’s to the hard hitting issues with that bite of reality.
Rule Nine: Do not harm little children.
Yeah. You hear that you folks who don’t spare the rod? Hey kids. Convert your slipper wielding parents to Satanism. We don’t tolerate that crap.
Rule Ten: Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
Satanists against poaching.
Rule Eleven: When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
Satanists against street harassment.
I hope I have educated you on our ways and convinced you to join our ranks. We’re really nice. And we throw the best parties. No, really. You have no idea. You haven’t been to a party until you wake up and you’re not sure if that’s a hangover or you’re just possessed.
PS: The information and views set out in this publication are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the values of Do Not Feed The Bloggers.
This disclaimer exists largely because the Church of Satan has asked to be distanced from DNFTB as we are in their words “decadent, valueless and lacking even a shred of conscience.” They have requested we inform you that though their member has written for us, you should not assume that we have corrupted him to our lost ways. The Church of Satan is after all, a decent organization of fine standing, very unlike DNTFB. If you are a follower of the filth that is DNTFB, The Church of Satan would like you to know that they are willing to save your lost soul. All you need do is sign it away to the devil for safe keeping.