We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

The Secret

Mankind has been puzzled by a mystery of biblical proportions for the greater part of the 21st century. Philosophers, Intellectuals, Great thinkers and the occasional lunatic have all tackled, and failed to come up with a proper answer to, the great question of this age. Theories, hypotheses and just plain musings have only guessed at what it could possibly be. And so; men, listen up as I, the great guru, tackle this question. What the hell do women keep in the handbags anyway?

Firstly, im sure you’ve noticed that on average handbags are too big to carry anything you’d actually need on a day to day basis. And any man who’s ever had to hold one, for one reason or another will tell you its way too heavy to want to carry on a day to day basis…unless, there was some hideous secret that needed to be kept handy at all times, by almost all women.

Lets walk through this, look at the picture below.

It quickly becomes clear that, among womankind, it is “ok” and “Acceptable” to carry around animals in a handbag . BUT….that’s not a big bag. What kind of monstrosity would fit in a bag like this:

Or this:

Could it be that women are actually training attack pitbulls and have found a portable way to carry them around for some feminist gender war, coming soon? That the reason their bags get bigger as they grow older is because their war hounds are growing as well? Many would say, “that’s horribly unrealistic”; And they’re absolutely right. you know why? Because they’re thinking too small.

Feminists have often claimed the world is screwed up because of men. Can you blame them? crime, war, slavery, terrorism, you name it.  if men didn’t start it, then they dominate it anyway. And so, handbags are the warning shot from women saying “HEY….we want a slice of the action too. We want in”

Women are tired, completely tired, of having to play second fiddle to men when it comes to being criminals. I agree with them. Its completely insensitive and sexist for men to think they can be the bad guys all the time…see that “bad GUYS”, total sexism. Women can be bad “people” too.

So how do handbags come into this. As a man, can you carry an assault rifle, a bazooka, a couple of grenades,  all with a dog, some make up and lip balm to top it off in you wallet? I think not. Do you see how prepared they all are?

Some skeptic is probably sitting there wondering. If this is all true, then why haven’t we seen oprah kick down a steel door pull out an rpg and rob a bank? Why hasn’t Beyonce been arrested for domestic violence in a case where she beat up Jay z with a golf club (from her bag) and left him bleeding in the moonlight? Its simple, women like planning out the little details. And bombs are a huge part of the plan….until they can get bombs to work, then no plan. Why don’t the bombs work? Obviously, explosions and make-up have been found to not mix very well, even at a distance. Until the new explosive proof cosmetics are out, we’re safe.



4 responses

  1. priestessoflust

    dogs…a bit too far-fetched :DD

    but those mamas in town who pull out clubs when you shout “mwizi!”
    you may be on to something…

    November 3, 2010 at 10:15 pm

  2. Clubs? I know mamas who pul out those axes for the jikoni, ama those big ass ones in the local butchery.

    I donno why they struggle so much, when you can simply carry a scalpel. 😀

    November 4, 2010 at 7:29 am

  3. Aggrey

    I know for a fact that when Z-Day happens (the day the zombie apocalypse begins for the ignorant and unprepared), women and their magic bags of mystery will be more than able to handle the first wave.
    They probably have a chainsaw that runs on NAG to fend off any unwanted zombie/male attention.

    November 4, 2010 at 12:33 pm

  4. Rofl, as expected of teh penguin :p i also dont know what it is women do with these bags! Unless they have 2 more bags inside it 😮

    November 8, 2010 at 3:58 am

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