We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Trauma of The Parental Kind

HORROR! MY EYES! OH IF ONLY I WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO EXPLORE MY BRAIN WITH A SERVING SPOON!

To let you all into my secret world of despair, I just saw my folks/parents/progenitors have sex.

I’ll let that stew for a moment.

And not in the classic “walk in on them mashing privates together” way of psychological trauma. It’s with hard digital evidence that will refuse to be washed away in cleansing torrent of holy water.

Now that you hate your imagination (and me), here are the details.

With my dad’s laptop in hand, I had been given the task of updating it. And like any normal idiot, it was time to go digging deep for digging’s sake. Alright, I was looking for porn! Happy?

Unfortunately I was a bit too successful.

Stumbling on a folder hidden oh so far away in the Videos folder. With rabid penis-driven eagerness, I jumped into quickly and sampling every clip in the folder.

And suddenly you see a home video of 2 people humping, with all the hallmarks of amateur work ringing out loud, that being grainy video, radio blaring in the background. Then after minutes of vigorous pumping and moaning, the guy gets up and goes to turn off the camera and whose face comes into view but my old man’s.

With more fingers clawing eyes out

That’s quite horrible, to say the least. 3 guesses who the other party was. Hint: I used to fit in her birth canal.

What would only make this worse was if I had been furiously beating the meat when the big reveal occurred. Well, not being one to disappoint, that was exactly what I had been doing. God is such a funny fuck, isn’t he/she/it/whatever?

Needless to say, I didn’t save a copy that I occasionally watch for masturbatory entertainment.

NB: I wonder how many people won’t doubt the veracity of this tale because “this makes perfect sense and explains everything!” about me.

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9 responses

  1. As usual, you never disappoint.

    This is utterly hilarious. 😀

    How I wish I’d have seen the look on your face. 😀

    And, to be quite honest, I really don’t think you’d be thaaaaaat traumatised. Be a man and suck it up. So you watched your parents fuck, *shrug* it’s a normal, human, albeit rather animalistic occurence. Deal with it.

    And yes, I’m STILL laughing. 😀

    Oh, and this also explains your morbid thought patterns. It’s a flawed genetic trait, it seems.

    May 10, 2011 at 6:13 am

    • Aggrey

      Imagine YOUR parents rutting and grunting for your viewing pleasure, changing position so you can get the best possible angle and just generally giving a clinic on how you were conceived.
      Considering it’s you, I don’t think you can.
      Do you accept the challenge?

      May 10, 2011 at 6:31 am

      • That’s why my parents have absolutely no inkling of the workings of technology. If they were to indulge themselves in their more sinful pleasures, there would be no evidence left behind to traumatise us.

        Yeah, you’ve been lawyered. 😀

        May 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

      • Aggrey

        I don’t think lawyered means what you think it means.

        May 16, 2011 at 8:06 am

      • Tell me then what it means, oh ye educated one.

        May 22, 2011 at 1:31 pm

  2. kouhai

    pahahaha that was too funny. curiosity killed the kitteh xD

    May 10, 2011 at 11:43 am

  3. kouhai

    pahahaha that was too funny. curiosity killed the kitteh xD. Lol hope somehow you don’t invite me to ur grad party. It will be all I’ll think about :p

    May 10, 2011 at 11:53 am

  4. Unhinge jaw and let gravity do the rest.

    How do you look at your folks with a straight face after that?

    By the way, once shock passed, did you keep a copy for blackmail purposes? Because you know you’re supposed to blackmail your parents when you catch them slipping, right? Every time you crash a car or rob a bank or kidnap a midget and they’re considering not posting bail, MMS them a clip from the video.

    May 11, 2011 at 9:06 am

  5. gachagua

    I swear the universe is intent on crushing whatever piece of sanity you have left (which isnt much).
    This makes for some very very uncomfortable family dinners 😀

    waaaaait….is that the Diasporadical iCon i see? (ie, the one crazy enough to be mistaken as part of this blog/mad house/asylum )

    May 11, 2011 at 11:13 am

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