We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Cancer Is The Answer

Science has let us down.

We don’t have flying cars that can fold away à la The Jetsons, and the closest we’ve gotten to transforming robots is thanks to the magic of that cinematographic visionary, Micheal Bay. There aren’t any velicoraptors roaming the plains, and the dream of a full immersive VR experience remains just that (by the way, fuck Tron! My VR dream is the sex simulator in Demolition Man).

Me (virtually) tag-teaming Sandra Bullock with Sly Stallone

All funding is going to is figuring out the cure for malaria, or how to generate electricity through solar power more efficiently, or coming up with vaccines for a certain incurable immunodeficiency disease (like a firm commitment to hand power when the need arises wouldn’t solve that). All noble goals yes, but how does that help the common man, for example, me?

Naturally my brilliantyness forces me to find a solution to this problem, and that answer is cancer.
Billions are spent on cancer research. All are aimed at eliminating it or making treatment of the condition cheaper and better. but what about taming and harnessing this rebellion of our own bodies against us for the greater good?

By greater good I mean Tit-Tays!

Breast cancer is an ever present concern for most women (and a few men). But there is also the ever present need for big ass boobies. Time for science marry the 2 causes. Instead of stuffing women with so much plastic and silicone that passing too close to a malfunctioning microwave might turn them into actual exploding bombshells, why not use cancer to have organic breast augmentation?

While huge knockers might not be every guy’s thing, don’t worry, cancer can also organically enhance the huge aSSets of the womenfolk, making seating in buses and matatus countrywide an even tighter affair.

All about Dat Ass

And we must not forget turning all that spam regarding penis enlargement from lies to glorious truth. The question of whether IT is big enough can be banished to the annals of history as men swagger out on to the streets from the doctors office with grenade launchers in their pants.

…or outside them.

As Lolo Ferrari and Ron Jeremy have proved, bigger is always better. And while current techniques of manual stuffing is proving adequate, do we really want to treat our sexual organs with all the sensitivity of a buffalo being taken care of by a taxidermist?

This is where scientists can finally push mankind to a newer, brighter future, a new age where suffocation via embrace is a legitimate cause of death and dick slinging is no longer just a metaphor.

NB: The sacrifice I made to bring this article to light, looking at endless pictures of well endowed women showing off their nakedness, should be praised. I do this all for you. It’s also why it took so goddamn long.


One response

  1. I must admit, this is quite hilarious. 😀

    July 28, 2011 at 4:00 pm

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