We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

The New Social Order

Dear naïve male college freshman,

By now I’m sure you have your wild fantasies about all the girls you’ll be getting. After all, you were “the man” in high school. Sportsman extraordinaire, you’ve been hitting the gym and you’ve got enough compliments to make your ego confident enough to bitch slap Kanye’s. Looks like you have it all going your way. I have bad news for you buddy. You’re at the bottom of the food chain.
I know, shocking isn’t it. Cant believe it? Wait till you see who has a better chance than you.

Here’s what you need to know. To get the girls in college you need to bring your A-game, and by A game, I mean the criteria for potential mate is ‘can you get her an A in the exams.” If the answer is no then you’re screwed (or more accurately, you’re not). Now with this in mind you’ll learn the “campus rock stars” are probably middle aged, balding and sporting beer bellies. This, my unlucky friend, is the frame that has campus girls swooning and eager to impress. This is the guy with a host of ladies walking with him at all time. He is a lecturer. No matter what you do you will never ever come up with more to offer than never having to do any work and passing anyway. You’ve been beaten.

Fine you say, but there’s only so many lecturers. You’ll just go after the rest, the ones they can’t handle. But wait…there’s more competition. Theres the guys you bullied throughout high school, the nerds. See, unlike you, the nerds are capable of doing assignments and tests for the girls who cant bag a lecturer. They’re smart, it was only a matter of time till they realized they didn’t have to do it for free. Again, you find someone who has more to offer than you.

It’s a nightmare from hell. Your teachers and the nerds are getting more girls than you, this can’t be happening. But wait…maybe you have money. Its regrettable that you have to resort to it but you can use that right? Do you have enough to pay her school fees, fund shopping sprees and possibly trips out of the country? Probably not. So your competition is the sugar daddy. He, unlike you, can do all of the above and probably more.

But there is one last option…isn’t there. The girls who won’t be swayed by these temptations. The moral, upstanding, self respecting girls. You mean…the ones who you spent your whole life up to this point ignoring and making fun of? The ones who have spent years seething and storing anger against your kind?

Welcome to college.


One response

  1. I suggest you send this to Asher Roth (that was his name, no?) and ask him to do I love College Part II.

    October 28, 2011 at 6:54 am

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