We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Aside

The Hero They Need

First of all, has it been that long since I blogged? The whole wordpress interface changed n I had to do a little stoner “woah” as my eyes widened slightly to take in this new thing to which I am not yet sure how to react.

As I consider this evolution, I realize it boils down to 3 things

Option one: Embrace it and move on, it probably has a ton of new features to supposedly improve my online experience. Problem: Conformity? Fuck that

Option two: Write a strongly worded email to WordPress, not unlike the one my manager wrote me a couple of weeks ago for being late to work with lots of scary exclamation points. Problem: Like me, WordPress may choose not to reply, all the while thinking “screw you”. (thats not true I totally sent her an apologetic ass kissing email. not one of my finer moments but what u gon’ do)

Option three: Do nothing. Which really is just option 1. The difference being that u don’t come across as a conformist or worse, those pple who bitch about fb changing its format for hours on end when they know they’ll forget it was ever different a few days after.

Anyway you slice it we all lose but this is the price we pay for global social networking privileges.

Anyway, good ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I have new fodder for your insatiable desire to inhale useless information. Its about a relationship I’ve been having recently that bums me ouuut. You can chill sweets, its not a woman, and I hate to disappoint the homo-erotica fans that Aggrey no doubt brings to this blog but its not a dude either. Yes folks, this is about to get weird,…

…Its a job.

*bestiality fans walk away*

and I have a love-hate thing going on that’s driving me insane.

Every morning I wake up and I’m like “Up youuuuuurs work”

And every payday I’m like “Employment! I wish you were a PERSON so that I could DATE your face” My grammar gets bad when I’m excited. I apologize.

That might be a little out of context, in fact that might be a totally fabricated piece of dialogue put in here for shock value, but you see my dilemma. I’m afraid this is what awaits us all in the working world. Employment fetishes and bipolarity. No one in high school warned me of this unfortunately and so the only equipment I have to deal with it is the happy hour that brings us all together after a hard day of oiling the machine that is corporate America. Well THAT and the prank war that I got caught in the middle of.

It started with my boy Dan (name changed for identity protection) Who sent a text to my intern friend Amy (both of whom r white) pretending to be a black chic mad at her for stealing her man. the text went something to the tune of

“ey yo bich, heard u’v been messing around wit Jerome. But that gotta be rong coz he ain’t got no time to be messin wit ur skinny black ass. Better get straight bich!”

There was a little back n forth but ultimately Amy freaked out and threatened to call the cops so Dan came clean n I nearly died laughing. N thus the prank war was begun

This has involved leaving each other coded messages around the office, a whole lot of devious planning and several stare downs with me playing both sides. (I’m still not sure if Amy knows I’m the one who gave Dan her number). Regardless I have helped her many a time. The following is Dan’s car

 Image

As you will notice, its covered in sticky notes. One of the many casualties of war I’m afraid.

And so I remain ever vigilant, who knows when my time will come. If you’re reading this its possible I have already been taken hostage, been sedated and had my face painted or…worse… had my computer keyboard hidden behind those couches in the BI department that no one ever sits on ever. All I ask is that you tell my story, because I am the hero that this office needs but not the one that it wants but the one it will get because it wants not what it needs. And so I will be hunted, because I can take it. Because that is what needs to happen for boredom to be eradicated. Because sometimes sitting quietly in an office and doing your job isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. They deserve me, a Knight, and as a bonus the only Dark dude on the floor.

Peace losers ..|., till next time.

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4 responses

  1. You misspelt *apologise. You’re welcome.

    September 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm

  2. No dictionaries where you come from then?

    September 11, 2012 at 6:40 pm

  3. Excuse me, did you just INSULT MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE QUEEN’S LANGUAGE?! THE GRAMMAR GODS SHALL SMITE YOU!!!

    September 22, 2012 at 9:53 am

  4. GreyRok

    Somehow I completely missed this. Also, it’s not a prank war till someone gets almost fired.

    December 8, 2012 at 10:57 am

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