We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Cheesy Old Movies. Part 1

Somewhere in a  forgotten corner of the house I was looking through old boxes for something I’d lost (I dont know why I though it would be there. I mean really? I somehow lost it in old boxes i’ve not approached in years? Makes complete sense.) While I was pointlessly rummaging through them I found some ancient artifacts….VHS tapes. I’d completely forgot these things existed. Has it really been that long…goodness, i’m ancient. Impending death from old age aside, I have found a treasure trove of old cheesy movies.

Here’s one of them

COBRA Starring Sylvester Stallone
















This is the first line of the plot summary

‘Marion Cobretti, codenamed “Cobra”, (Stallone) is a police officer from a division of the Los Angeles Police Department known as the “Zombie Squad”.’

YES, you read that right.

“Our main character Cobra from the LAPD Zombie Squad…”  If i was a fat cat studio exec that’s all i’d need to hear during the pitch meeting before green lighting this movie for production. The rest of the movie is just as epic though. We have a neo fascist order who, and i quote, “believe in killing the weak and leaving only the strongest and themselves to live and rule the world.” Things get fuzzy here but i believe Cobra agrees with them and decides they’re all too weak for their continued existence to be tolerated…so he kills them all. Every single one of them before dropping his weapons and launching into a hand to hand final battle with the leader. Why hand to hand? Because he friggin’ can. Did i mention that the “New Order’s” leader is called Night Slasher? Of course he is.

After committing a massacre and impaling Night Slasher on a hook…and then burning him alive, his boss tries to say, hey, you’re a cop Cobra. You cant do stuff like that. Because no one tells Cobras what to do, he punches his boss in the face, climbs onto a motor cycle (with a model holding onto him… obviously) puts on some shades and drives off.

Just in case this isnt enough…watch this scene.

Cobra walks in, pants pulled all the way up to his chest so we know what he thinks about real men and sagging. He takes out a pizza box from the freezer, walks to the table and pulls a gun out of his pants and puts it on the table. He opens up the pizza box, there’s only one slice. He cuts a piece off…with scissors! Godamn scissors. This, my friends, is called being a boss. He puts on the tv then takes the gun out of his pants…wait, didnt he already do that!? That’s right. Cobra is so manly, the gun he took out of his pants couldn’t bear to be away and jumped right back into his pants a few moments after he took it out. Take that how you will.

Excuse me, I have to go now. It’s terrific Tuesday and i have pizza but forgot to buy a pair of scissors to go with it.

Next movie on this list: BIONIC NINJA


6 responses

  1. love that movie watched 3 times already

    September 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm

  2. Quite one to complain about age, aren’t you? What’s Deen gonna say?

    September 11, 2012 at 1:50 pm

  3. Stallone is a boss. You can’t mess with anyone who wears pants like that. “if we were in prison I’d be the reason why you shouldn’t drop the soap” is what those pants say.

    September 11, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    • LMFAO…ati if I was in prison I’d be the reason you shouldn’t drop the soap? Jesus, you’re retarded. 😀

      September 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

  4. iamclairety

    That there is going to be the father of my babies.

    October 19, 2012 at 6:38 pm

  5. Omg! You guys! I know i just started reading your blog, and we don’t know each other but i think we come from the same planet. I LOVE EVERYTHING!!!!

    Now that I am calm, I also, have a mighty need to download Cobra. The only way it could be any more awesome is if Stallone fought the villain with his bear hands. Like his arms would be made of bears! Or if Van Damme was the villain. Of course he would be in his characteristic neon shorts, separated at a young age from his less evil twin brother who lives in a small island as a shark trainer.

    I would also recommend for more bad movie reviews: Rubber The Killer Tyre, Sharktopus, Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus, Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. Yes these are real.

    Good day, ladies and gentlemen. *puts on jet pack, adjusts bow tie and flies off to fight crime*

    November 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s