Religion + Politics = Hair
Like most of the male population, I find women a mystery. But nothing about women, especially black women, is more mysterious than matters related to hair. I mean, hours at the salon? What are they REALLY doing? What could possibly take that long? And most importantly, what are those alien pod things for? Is the woman below not in an alien craft about to get her mind wiped?
Alien technology aside, I have come to learn that this hair mystery runs even deeper than I assumed. It all started when I was talking to one of my best friends and the conversation went something like this.
Her: Wait a second. Natural? Did you just say your girlfriend has natural hair?
Me: Um…yes. Natural.
Her: That floozie! That absolute witch! (Due to the shakiness of the skype connection I cannot be completely sure that she said “witch”) I cannot believe that you’re dating a traitor!
Me: Whoa! A traitor? What’s the big deal?
Her: Whats the big deal? WHATS THE BIG DEAL!? First they started their war on fake boobs, then they attacked make up …and now they’re after my hair! My precious hair! I can’t even…and you’re DATING THEM!
Me: Them? I am not….
Her: Don’t defend yourself. You want me to be a flat chested, acne filled, frizzy haired girl is that it?
Me: Now, wait a second…
Her: Its that girlfriend of yours isn’t it? She’s jealous isn’t she?
Now I’m going to break off the conversation here for my personal safety. I shall simply tell you when it became about hair again. Apparently, natural and “unnatural(?)” hair is not just about the hair. No, it’s way deeper. See, it’s about politics and religion. Confused? It’s about women, thats only to be expected. I’ll break down how it works.
The “unnatural” movement is apparently political. It’s a pro-colonial movement. I shall quote her here.
“The unnatural movement says, I am pro-colonialism. It screams, I love you Europeanses (yes, that’s what she said) and I want my hair to reflect how cool you all are. I mimic you and say, Return and control me Europeanses.”
Me: So, you don’t have natural hair because…you support colonialism.
Her: Yes, the Europeanses are our friends.
So that’s that. And natural hair? This is the breakdown.
“Natural hair is a religious movement. They draw their inspiration from the Swahili-bantu proverb “akili ni nywele” (her Swahili is laughable by the way. You know how all those tourists try their hand at some Swahili words? Its worse. Way way worse). It means intelligence is in the hair (that’s not what it means….not really). They believe their natural hair gives them knowledge and wisdom. It is to be worshiped. You will hear about how they “discovered themselves” since they went natural. How they see things clearly now and how unworthy us unbelievers are. (insert spitting sound here) the HEATHENS!”
And there you have it. What a girls hair says about her political and religious affiliations. All from a very credible source to. Girls are weird huh? The more you know.