We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Funniest Book Ever

Greetings my not so faithful audience (we will discuss your infidelity some other time). You may not know this but for a long time, I have been on an epic quest. For several years now I’ve been searching for an elusive treasure and at long last, I’ve found it. What treasure you ask?  What do I have to present now that I’ve taken off my Indiana Jones hat. Well…at long last, I have found – the funniest book ever written.

Before you rush to congratulate me or scoff in disbelief let me present my findings. Here is the book I speak of.

I know it looks like some crappy, cheap, semi porn romance novel but it isn’t. Well, its not a semi porn romance book at any rate. This is a Christian book intended to offer guidance to the Kenyan youth. By that I mean it’s a thinly veiled piece of guilt propaganda that was cobbled together overnight, stapled and put up for sale without even taking out the typos. It also happens to be quite unintentionally hilarious.

It answers questions that plague every young person such as-

Lord knows many have agonized over this very complicated line of thought. I cant recall how many times I’ve seen someone propose only to receive the reply “Uh…who are you?”

Do you watch porn? I have bad news for you. The author has researched and come up with several well thought out consequences of watching porn.

And

Did you hear that team forever alone? Porn will get you laid…a lot. Constantly even, if this book is to be trusted. Its impossible for you to watch porn and not be knee deep in um…I could have sworn I had a proper way to finish this sentence when i started it. I’ll let your dirty minds fill it in.

BUT…you musn’t be tempted by the magic of porn. After all, not only will your partners be riddled with STDs, theres the bible to think about. Look at this highly reliable bible quote.

That’s right. I’m sure you all remember this bible passage. It was right before Paul barged into a Corinthian household and kicked in a flat screen and yelled “I reps the 254, biatch” and then left for his grammar class.

As for the next one…

I don’t even know what joke to make here. No…wait, i’ve got it.

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12 responses

  1. GreyRok

    “I reps the 254 biatch!” Solid Gold right here!

    November 20, 2012 at 7:20 pm

  2. I wants that guys Bible. must be a good read

    November 20, 2012 at 7:28 pm

  3. DontCallMeLiv

    That Bible MUST be Nigerian. It just has to be.

    WHO’S YO DODDI! WHO’S YO POPPA OH!

    November 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

  4. We read Corinthians at our wedding, and I don’t remember that part either. Maybe we didn’t read far enough. After the passage: “Be true to one another or Jesus will pop a cap in yo ass,” people were getting restless so we skipped to the kiss and had cake. (Btw, you have a new follower — funny, funny stuff!)

    November 20, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    • gachagua

      “Be true to one another or Jesus will pop a cap in yo ass,”
      That verse is serious business. My cheating neighbor came home to find his donkey riddled with bullets. Might want to keep that in mind
      (I’m stalking your blog as well. It’s possible that i may have to kill you…competition and all. haha…i kid…jokes…see…funny *sharpens blade*…joking is all)

      November 21, 2012 at 7:44 pm

      • LOL — If there’s a drive-by donkey shooting in my ‘hood, I’ll know where to start looking…

        November 21, 2012 at 7:50 pm

  5. AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..im gonna jerk off everyday now.. FOREVER..wait, no…im gonna keep jerking of everyday..FOOOREVER! AHAHAHAHAHA…dumb asses!

    November 20, 2012 at 9:38 pm

  6. Contribute money to the poor and dieing Kenyans?! Jesus Christ…that Bible…

    November 27, 2012 at 3:58 pm

  7. Maryanne Jelagat

    Hahahahahahahahahaha I’ve laughed like a retard 😀

    December 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm

  8. Is there also a chapter on holding giant dice seductively and flirting with Bible verses via phone call? Because if not, the cover lied to me and this book cannot be distributed to my Church youth group.

    March 18, 2013 at 5:38 pm

  9. I am now sure my C.R.E teacher back in Primary school used that book to instill all the known fears about sex on us. God, it was awful!

    August 12, 2013 at 3:48 am

  10. who the allowed this book to be published?

    March 7, 2014 at 4:11 pm

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