“Hello” by Lionel Richie. Is this song not just the essence of romance? Doesn’t it just warm your heart? How could anyone not be moved by it. I’m sure all you girls dream of one day being stalked by Lionel Richie. (Though, I suspect, that’s less the song and more because you woke up, found him watching you as you slept and thought it was a dream.) Now maybe I am taking a cheap shot. I mean, lyrics like:
“I sometimes see you pass outside my door.
Hello!Is it me you’re looking for?”
Easily lend themselves to imagine a reaction like, “No, Lionel. If I was looking for you I’d have knocked. How did you even know I was…oh my God! Were you watching from the keyhole?” You may say that I’m bashing old Lionel over poor wording that’s just unintentionally creepy. You may even believe this argument- until you see the song’s video. I promise I am not making up any of the following (you probably won’t believe me but- here goes).
We see Lionel Richie as a lecturer. I’m not sure what class he’s teaching but apparently, the curriculum involves assigning one of your students to pretend to have just left prison after 25 years and ask out one of the other students. I’m sure if you’ve heard the phrase 25 to life you can guess what kind of pretend crimes we’re talking about here. As the ex-con tries to set up a date with the girl, Lionel sits back and proceeds to totally eye bang her. We next see our creepy lecturer watching her as she’s in her next class. Just as we’re beginning to think that maybe it isn’t stalking, he’s so blatant about it that if she minded she would have objected by now, the twist comes in. She’s BLIND! He literally follows this blind student down corridors, to all her classes and stands creepily behind her until her friends show up and he has to pretend he was just walking by.
At the end of the video is a particularly “romantic” sequence. See, she’s in this sculpting class. When he finally shows up there, she shows him her sculpture and…tada, it’s a sculpture of him. She’s blind and she sculpted him, its clearly a sign that they’re meant to be. Star-crossed lovers as it were.
Or, more likely, considering his conduct throughout the video- he broke into her house and rubbed her hands over his face as she slept until his image was subconsciously burned into her mind. I’ll post the video here and let you judge for yourself which you think it is.
But…what if he did all this on purpose. The song is not actually a love song but a parody of some kind? Well…take a look at this.
“Richie said he had been thanked by a large number of normally tongue-tied men who had proposed marriage after a slow dance to the song.”
TRANSLATION: Stalkers have shared their stories with Lionel Richie at the monthly Stalkers Anonymous meeting. After hearing the song while watching women they didnt know dance, they got the guts to propose to them. No word on how many of those proposals were successful.