We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Ask Auntie Olivia

Dear Olivia,
I have been having a thing with this guy for 5 months. It started off as FWB but I may have started catching feelings. It has been going on long enough for there not to be a future. We haven’t discussed anything but I have a good feeling about this. What should I do?
Ditzy Daisy from Loresho

Dear Daisy,
No boo boo, no. There you have lied to yourself. You cannot still claim to be Friends With Benefits if it has lasted more than 3 months. An FWB is a person who you explore your sexual deviancy with, and discover whether you’re into autoerotic asphyxiation, violent porn and all that stuff that Aggrey talks about. Once this person has seen you with a ball gag in your mouth there is no way you are being promoted upwards to Mrs S&M, and that should be fine with you, because, like you said, it was just meant to be a thing. The 3 month span is ample time for you to fuck out all the misery that whoever it is that hurt you put you through. And the fact that you think that being banged you 3 times a week and a toothbrush in your bathroom is evidence of a future with this man, means that there are a couple hundred million issues you need to address with your ex. Tafadhali, mpigie tu.

Aunt Olivia,
I’m in a long distance relat….

That one I won’t touch even with a 1000 ft pole. You are by yourself. LITERALLY.

Hey Olivia,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the last year and a half, and it’s been pretty smooth sailing all the way. I just have this huge problem with this female friend of his. She’s always calling him for parties and stuff like that, and every time they go out they get so drunk and have lots of fun. I know he used to like her so their friendship makes me so angry, but he says that she’s just his friend. Is he lying? Jealous Janice from Westy

Hi Janice,
You ever hear men saying that “women are their own worst enemies”? They are talking about you. You need to relax. You’re his girlfriend. You’re the one who his mum has met and cooked cookies with. You can’t also be the one his dad will accidentally hit on when he’s chomokad the house and gone to drink with young drunk university students. And is the fact that she’s single bothering you? It is isn’t it. I can console you by saying that she’s probably a heavy drinker and has a lot of issues (testify!) and is probably seeking the approval of some asshole that doesn’t even funga his eyes when they kiss, so don’t worry. And even you as a girl you know once you friendzone a nigga not even Moses’ staff can part those legs. She has friend zoned him. You might as well be nice to her, because the minute she disapproves of your cookie baking ass she has the power to destroy you as he laments drunkenly over your stupid jealous behaviours. You’re just temporary, but the bar will always be there. So get over it.

Hey Liv,
Should I surprise my gf with a tattoo of her name on her birthday?
Romantic Romeo from Ruiru

Romeo, Romeo,
Yes. Go ahead and show her this amazing display of weakness and watch her run into the arms of your big dicked best friend. HOW DOES SUCH A STUPID PERSON EVEN KNOW OF ME OMG JESUS STRIKE DOWN THIS CHILD

20130517-000200.jpg

Wasup Liv,
I have had a crush on this guy for the longest time and I have no idea how to let him know. I obsess daily and I constantly wonder what I’m going to say or do around him and end up embarrassing myself. Please help,
Lovestruck Lucy from Lavi

Lucy,
I swear babe, here I can’t help. We’re in the same boat. But if you get the answer to this, halla at your girl.

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6 responses

  1. Gish

    Haha! I love it

    May 17, 2013 at 12:14 am

  2. Autoerotic asphyxiation? Good Lord…

    Ati you’re just temporary. The bar will always be there? Just be polite. At the very least, try.

    May 17, 2013 at 8:23 am

  3. arthurnyoiks2

    if these are real life problems … am sad for the people in them. sspecially the one in a long distance thing.

    otherwise… great job

    May 17, 2013 at 10:53 am

  4. lmao yes that last one should write back. n hahahaha yes again we are our own enemies ati “You’re just temporary, but the bar
    will always be there. So get over it!”
    lol lol!

    May 17, 2013 at 5:54 pm

  5. Alright. Love the blunt responses. That last one…why do people dance around their feelings. Simply say that you like him, if he feels the same…great, you’ll go on to create wonderful memories. If not, he’s either a twat who can’t see your value or genuinely likes you as your friend. Life’s to short to perpetually dance around in a circle in the same spot.

    May 21, 2013 at 12:21 pm

  6. This makes me realize that my life is very good

    June 7, 2013 at 9:36 am

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