We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

My DNFTB Origins!! (my cool cool version)

penguin-army1
I arrived at the place the madman asked me to meet him.  A tall shiny building with the shiny letters “DNFTB” scrawled across the front.  Not the first time that day, I wondered if I was crazy to heed the madman’s instructions to meet him at this place. For all I knew he could be a killer out to harvest my teeth for a macabre computer keyboard (don’t ask!). The building was in a bustling part of town and easily looked like any other commercial building in town…...except for the carved penguin statues perched like tuxedoed gargoyles glaring down at the passersby. I realized those were the same penguins watermarked in the madman’s email messages to me.  The building was otherwise unremarkable, yet exuded an aura that screamed “Evil Lair”.

I looked down at the golden key I received by courier that morning (penguin shaped of course). One last time, I questioned my sanity in accepting the madman’s invitation to his abode and with a determination I associate with a suicidal maniac tinged with a recklessness I had never felt before (The Felix Baumgartner), I unlocked the door,  pushing inward.

I stood in the lobby for a moment taking in the incredible sight of even more granite carved penguin tribute. The madman was well and truly insane. The penguin obsession was starting to creep me out. “We don’t even have penguins in the tropics!”, I murmured.

The lobby had no exits except for one doorway that led down a long (and I mean airport runway long) corridor that had one red door at the other end. I smartly deduced that was my destination (No shit, Watson)and started trudging down the featureless corridor that sorta looked like this. After what felt like an hour (it wasn’t…..obviously), I came up to the red door which I noticed (a bit dissapointedly) had no trace of any penguin related locks.  Just one ordinary doorknob. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the unknown beyond. I turned the knob……

The room was dark. Only lit by a single light that illuminated an unnecessarily long table. There were other people in the room. Seated at the end nearest the door. The first I noticed was a man in a long brown overcoat which he gripped tightly around himself. He was leering unashamedly at another occupant in the room who as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I ascertained to be a female. The one defining feature that stood out about her was the largest pair of breasts I had ever clapped my eyes on……….and that included what I would define the normal limits of the internet. I almost did not notice the small figure seated next to the heavily chesticled creature, having been caught in the mini eclipse caused by the presence of the Olympian Jugs (I can’t emphasise size enough…. I really can’t). I deduced it to be a female but I got the impression she was not much of a talker…..just a watcher.

All of a sudden, a small creature waddled out of the shadows toward the furthest end of the table. “Holy…….A penguin?” I croaked out in disbelief.  The penguin hurried to the end of the table where I noticed a shadowy figure with the back of its seat turned towards us (Har har).  The penguin handed something to the figure and quickly retreated back into the shadows.

“I see you decided to join us,” the figure spoke in a wintry tone.

“Well…. I did R.S.V.P didnt I?” I pointed out.

“I trust you had no trouble finding this location?” he queried.

“I got a bit lost along the way and before we get any further…..For the love of God, why would you send me a bing maps link?”, I retorted accusingly.

I had no doubt I was finally talking to the madman.  I could see a hand holding a cane reaching out the side of the seat. It was bathed in the glow of a bank computer monitors that the madman faced towards (Linux of course) and I could make out a penguin head ring on the madmans fingers.

“So you are interested in joining my plans for world domination?” the madman queried once more.

“Well, I have nothing better to do and you did promise a salary package beyond my wildest dreams.”

The madman suddenly coughed and spluttered for a few seconds before regaining composure .

“We will talk about that later.”

The madman slowly wheeled his chair around and , still draped in the shadows, gestured toward a seat next to the overcoat wearing man. I sat down.

“Now that most of us are here, let us begin.” The shadowy madman intoned.

He gestured towards the dark and a penguin scurried out of the dark with an ashtray on his head. The shadow put out his cigar and the penguin quickly scurried back into the dark.

“I have assembled you here for a reason. I have plans for total world domination and I require lieutenants. After a worldwide search, I have selected you to help me obtain and rule my new empire.”

The madman began laying out his plans for total domination and the more I listened the more slack jawed I became and I realized the madman was not just utterly insane…...HIS PLAN WAS LEGIT.  The more he droned on, the more convinced I became with this mans insanity fueled genius. Visions of unlimited power filled my head and by the time he was finished droning the most amazeballs world takeover plan, we all immediately stood up and swore fealty to our one true leader.

“Where do we start?”  Overcoat inquired.

“Soon Molesto…….first…….we start a blog.”
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5 responses

  1. Why am I not featured yet? I do take offence to this imotou-chan. Asshole.

    August 16, 2013 at 5:10 am

    • I did but…..had to push it to a sequel.

      August 16, 2013 at 1:14 pm

  2. GreyRok

    “Heavily chesticled creature,…Olympian Jugs…” Perfect description!

    August 16, 2013 at 7:29 am

    • One of many we happen to be gifted at creating.

      August 16, 2013 at 1:15 pm

  3. Pingback: Vote for Madness | Do Not Feed The Bloggers

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