What the hell is this shit? (Pun intended).
DISCLAIMER: Any trauma brought about by this post should be addressed to Aunty Olivia, our in-house agony bitch. As you are well aware, she is very much qualified for your petty, self-induced, downright stupid issues in your miserable life, and she will advise you accordingly.
Now as you are all very much aware, as an esteemed writer of this blog it is, in fact, a prerequisite to be completely lacking in mentality and have a rather high tolerance of anything that’s revolting and disgusting and despicable by normal standards. Normal is used rather loosely here, but who gives a fuck. (Please refer to the following post to confirm: http://donotfeedthebloggers.com/2012/01/29/the-day-the-earth-stood-still-2/).
Now, I was supposed to write a post about something else altogether, but there were some very interesting shenanigans going on with my roommate this morning (they begun last night, apparently) that had me grinning like the maniacal bitch normal person you all delude yourselves to believe that I am.
Now, since I landed in the land down under, I was just cursed with the most retarded people for roomies. Semi-druggies, people so filthy even Aggrey would cringe in pure disgust, girls with both daddy and mummy issues etc etc. The current sad existence of a human being I’m currently shackled with in a lease for the next few months just has a serious case of attention whoring issues that even the combined efforts of Maury, Oprah, Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer cannot attempt to solve. Whatever her relatives inserted in her vagina when she was younger caused a great deal of psychological effects that are doing a fantastic job of causing her currently continuing mental deterioration every ticking second. She’s still entertaining, to say the least.
She has a penchant for bringing dodgy male species home after nights of drinking or whatever she consumes. I’m still quite not sure whether or not she sleeps exclusively with men, because some of the…living entities she’s brought have caused many a sleepless night for my herpes-infected cunt of a landlord (Story for another day). I think as long as aforementioned living entity has something that resembles a penis is enough for her to hop into bed with.
I was awoken at the ungodly hour of 7 am with a scream that would awaken the kraken. Against my better judgement, I agreed to accompany Jup into my roomie’s room to see what was going on this time and what I saw would scar most of you horribly for the rest of your lives. I’m still quite not sure whether I should have puked the food I’d eaten for the past month or just laughed until I’d peed on myself. I settled for morbid amusement, because I’m friends with Aggrey. (I love you Pervy Perv. Very much so. :*)
The sheets (white cotton) were a tangled mess of lime green puke with what looked like McDonalds chips, diarrhoea and human bodies. The first thing the landlord muttered after the tears refused to fall was “What the hell is this shit?” I very nearly died at the pun given the situation, hence the name of this post. Calm down and let me explain.
Last night, attention whore extraordinaire decided she wanted to go out. She put on a scarf to cover what she calls breasts, a belt to support said scarf, bikini bottoms and stilettos sharper than a hospital needle. Why she didn’t just go naked, I donno. She brought back a dude who dropped out of law school two weeks into the course (because I started said course with him) who was far more inebriated than she was, though I don’t think any legal substances had caused their intoxication. They proceeded to have sex, and by sex I think he probably inserted his dick into all her natural orifices. At some point of their intoxicated funtimes, she proceeded to diarrhoea all over his dick and her bed sheets. (I think they were doing anal at the time. I wasn’t paying much attention because I was too busy trying not to outright laugh.) Someone ended up puking the lime green mess on one or both of them, which is why I strongly suspect they were consuming some very illegal and/or inedible things that caused their intoxication. They proceeded to slide and coat themselves in the wonderful mixture of her runny shit and the puke until they got tired and went to sleep afterwards. She woke the next morning with a smell that should be classified as a biological hazard to human health, a mixture of semi-digested things and human waste matter and a random guy on top of her. Cue scream.
The sheets she was sleeping on aren’t hers. Neither is the bed. They are both the landlords, hence why he was too traumatised to cry when he realised absolutely no one would wanna rent that cesspit the day he decided to kick her out.
I don’t know what happened next, because I had class and Jup had work, but upon arrival, the room is smelling fresher than a bed of daisies. There’s a new bed a clean, crisp sheets I’d very much love to behave inappropriately with Jupiter on. All her stuff is gone. I think there’s a new tenant incoming, and I cannot wait.
Do have a morbidly hilarious week.