We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Establishing Dominance In The Workplace

Just like in prison, your hierarchy in the workplace can mean the difference between good living or spending your time as everyone’s doormat. This has little to do with your actual position, but everything to do with your place in the eyes of your fellow inmates/coworkers.
There is no magic formula that can guarantee alpha status but here at DNFTB, we are committed to giving our devout converts helpful hints that will set them on their way to successful brainwashing and joining of our cult happiness. In no particular order, they are:

Step 1: Always maintain eye contact.
This is very common advice, but the most common mistake is that people are too afraid to take it to the next level. Truly committing to maintaining constant eye contact is what it means to be top dog.
What does next level mean? It means staring directly into someone’s eyeholes while you’re both at the urinal. The fact that you can pee while still holding your coworker’s gaze shows your confidence in the control you have over your bodily functions and that you’re not ashamed of it, unlike most others. If you’re using the stalls, leave the door open so everyone can admire your excreting technique and learn that you have transcended the base concept of shame and are no longer under its power. When they see you seated on that throne, looking straight into the windows of their souls, the only feeling they’ll get (apart from nausea and after complete disgust) is a grudging respect for doing what they have no hope of ever pulling off.

Step 2: Constant nipple play and/or crotch massaging
Most people hate their jobs and all they want to do is suffer through the 8-9 hours of grinding slog to get back to their “real” lives. But for the alpha, pleasure in your work is a constant. And the pleasure is not just intellectual or emotional, it is also sexual. Constantly playing with your nipples while hard at work (pun intended) is a sign of above and beyond commitment to your job. If you’re still not feeling the connection, try rubbing your hand over your crotch for that extra sensual stimulation. Do this during meetings and when having conversations with your colleagues to display that extra level of engagement. Showing just how much you enjoy the work you’re doing is not only a great way to find enjoyment at the office, it is also a surefire way to impress your higher ups. Even they don’t enjoy their work that much, I can guarantee.

Step 3: Make your presence felt
Storm into board meetings demanding to see the quarterly reports. Barge into client presentations to vouch for the integrity of the sales team. Offer unsolicited advice whenever you come across people deep in conversation. Kiss everyone on the cheek (gotta be respectful), no matter how many times you run into them. Come into work on casual Fridays with a full suit, only bottomless. Whether you choose to wear your special lace panties or go commando is up to you. These are just a few ways to make sure you’re on everyone’s mind. The alpha’s presence in a room is always obvious, but there’s no harm in being blatant about it, just for the benefit of the few numbskulls who can’t take a hint. This also helps to reinforce your dominance with the rest of the pack. Show them that you’re the only cat in this rat race.

While definitely not comprehensive, applying these few steps to your daily professional life can lead a long way. It’s all about mixing them up and coming up with your own style of implementation that suits you. Ham fisted application will only lead you to rubbing people the wrong way. Whether it’s sexually harassing the janitor to show workplace enjoyment, or blackmailing your supervisor with pictures of him and his mistress to make your presence felt, make sure to put your own personal spin on it. Be the most stand out individual you can be. This is what being an alpha is all about. Success will follow naturally.

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