I arrived at the place the madman asked me to meet him. A tall shiny building with the shiny letters “DNFTB” scrawled across the front. Not the first time that day, I wondered if I was crazy to heed the madman’s instructions to meet him at this place. For all I knew he could be a killer out to harvest my teeth for a macabre computer keyboard (don’t ask!). The building was in a bustling part of town and easily looked like any other commercial building in town…...except for the carved penguin statues perched like tuxedoed gargoyles glaring down at the passersby. I realized those were the same penguins watermarked in the madman’s email messages to me. The building was otherwise unremarkable, yet exuded an aura that screamed “Evil Lair”.
I looked down at the golden key I received by courier that morning (penguin shaped of course). One last time, I questioned my sanity in accepting the madman’s invitation to his abode and with a determination I associate with a suicidal maniac tinged with a recklessness I had never felt before (The Felix Baumgartner), I unlocked the door, pushing inward.
I stood in the lobby for a moment taking in the incredible sight of even more granite carved penguin tribute. The madman was well and truly insane. The penguin obsession was starting to creep me out. “We don’t even have penguins in the tropics!”, I murmured.
The lobby had no exits except for one doorway that led down a long (and I mean airport runway long) corridor that had one red door at the other end. I smartly deduced that was my destination (No shit, Watson)and started trudging down the featureless corridor that sorta looked like this. After what felt like an hour (it wasn’t…..obviously), I came up to the red door which I noticed (a bit dissapointedly) had no trace of any penguin related locks. Just one ordinary doorknob. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the unknown beyond. I turned the knob……
The room was dark. Only lit by a single light that illuminated an unnecessarily long table. There were other people in the room. Seated at the end nearest the door. The first I noticed was a man in a long brown overcoat which he gripped tightly around himself. He was leering unashamedly at another occupant in the room who as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I ascertained to be a female. The one defining feature that stood out about her was the largest pair of breasts I had ever clapped my eyes on……….and that included what I would define the normal limits of the internet. I almost did not notice the small figure seated next to the heavily chesticled creature, having been caught in the mini eclipse caused by the presence of the Olympian Jugs (I can’t emphasise size enough…. I really can’t). I deduced it to be a female but I got the impression she was not much of a talker…..just a watcher.
All of a sudden, a small creature waddled out of the shadows toward the furthest end of the table. “Holy…….A penguin?” I croaked out in disbelief. The penguin hurried to the end of the table where I noticed a shadowy figure with the back of its seat turned towards us (Har har). The penguin handed something to the figure and quickly retreated back into the shadows.
“I see you decided to join us,” the figure spoke in a wintry tone.
“Well…. I did R.S.V.P didnt I?” I pointed out.
“I trust you had no trouble finding this location?” he queried.
“I got a bit lost along the way and before we get any further…..For the love of God, why would you send me a bing maps link?”, I retorted accusingly.
I had no doubt I was finally talking to the madman. I could see a hand holding a cane reaching out the side of the seat. It was bathed in the glow of a bank computer monitors that the madman faced towards (Linux of course) and I could make out a penguin head ring on the madmans fingers.
“So you are interested in joining my plans for world domination?” the madman queried once more.
“Well, I have nothing better to do and you did promise a salary package beyond my wildest dreams.”
The madman suddenly coughed and spluttered for a few seconds before regaining composure .
“We will talk about that later.”
The madman slowly wheeled his chair around and , still draped in the shadows, gestured toward a seat next to the overcoat wearing man. I sat down.
“Now that most of us are here, let us begin.” The shadowy madman intoned.
He gestured towards the dark and a penguin scurried out of the dark with an ashtray on his head. The shadow put out his cigar and the penguin quickly scurried back into the dark.
“I have assembled you here for a reason. I have plans for total world domination and I require lieutenants. After a worldwide search, I have selected you to help me obtain and rule my new empire.”
The madman began laying out his plans for total domination and the more I listened the more slack jawed I became and I realized the madman was not just utterly insane…...HIS PLAN WAS LEGIT. The more he droned on, the more convinced I became with this mans insanity fueled genius. Visions of unlimited power filled my head and by the time he was finished droning the most amazeballs world takeover plan, we all immediately stood up and swore fealty to our one true leader.
“Where do we start?” Overcoat inquired.
This is the story of how a student outclassed his teacher.
Let’s start at the beginning. Aggrey, my fellow blogger on this cyber cesspit of tepid minds is (as you may have gathered from his other posts) not quite normal as you may expect an average stranger to be.
I’m of course referring to his high threshold for the gross and the weird. He’s the only person I know who carries around a copy of 2 girls and a cup on his mobile phone and his maintained composure while watching The Pain Olympics was to be envied (the bastard was giggling…while eating). He is always the first with an inappropriate joke among my friends and when I say inappropriate, I MEAN IT. Subjects covered include Jailbait, Outlandish fetishes, Japan (self explanatory), waste matter, gay jokes etc etc. You get the idea.
Sometime back I came across a link on my facebook timeline reading with the word “breast” somewhere in it (males have furiously selective skimming skills). Naturally I clicked the link. <——yeah that link. Also,NSFW….kinda.
Closest thing to disgust i saw on his face. Now excuse me while i gloat over this major victory in the classic Teacher gets pwn3d by student scenario. This occasion warranted documentation due to the mere fact it might never happen again.
*Dogs get poisoned by chocolate. (im still like WTF!)
Hello? Anyone there?
Am I using this “blog” thing right? Back in my day WordPress didn’t look like this. O_o.
It’s been a while since I last posted and a as you can guess, laziness had a large part in this…..Also not forgetting the overwhelming page views Aggrey was getting overshadowed our meagre numbers (you are a sick lot dear readers of this blog).
I mean, why would you rather read gross butt in cheek (see what I did..never mind) stories over the deranged penguin kings anecdotes of world domination stories etc etc etc.
Anyway, this was just me making a comeback post hoping no one forgot my poor old self with my horrible page view stats (yes I am that insecure).
Oh, small teaser of my next post : How I managed to gross out the king of all that is pervy and disgusting himself. My sensei and fellow blog contributer, Aggrey himself.True Story Bro!!!
Hi I’m Fred…..I believe in aliens and George Bush is a hero…I spend most of my life hunched over my keyboard playing starcraft and nomming on junk food…..I despise sunlight….thus having blinds permanently drawn across my bedroom windows….I’m also quite random…
Being too lazy to frequently update my own blog, I quickly jumped on the opportunity to actually do it on someone else’s blog……specifically Gachagua’s and Angel’s communal blog (I call it a communal cesspit of tepid minds coz that’s what it actually is).
Having someone else upload my scribbled rot onto their own decaying plot of cyber real estate is quite a God-send for this sloth really….I don’t have to keep up a certain frequency of posts to keep my blog relevant and since we are talking about teaming up with these crass minded individuals who are used to spewing forth multiple posts of sensible nonsense at an alarming daily rate, my biggest problem is essentially eliminated…..as if it were zapped by a muthaf**kin Death Star..(I like star wars…not really, but Darth Vader is badass….and Yoda…..and Han Solo…..oh and Chewbacca ! Arghh! To hell, I love Star Wars…..)
So I guess for this first entry, I’ll have to talk about my most favourite person in the world…..me. Generally I can describe myself as a geek and a red blooded man (what Nuthead likes to call a perv but it’s not really…trust me!….no really …it’s not). I like video games, anime, manga and comics…. Marvel rules! …..but Batman is cool….of course I think he ended up at the wrong publisher stable…..I think superman is a wuss…..the last movie kinda pointed that out in a blatantly obvious way…..Not like Iron man…Tony Stark may be an asshole….but in a likable way….I want an Iron man costume…err….Sorry! Enuff bout comics…I tend to go all A.D.D when I’m writing stuff…that shows my laziness is about to kick in…I hope this half hearted attempt at ‘’satirical’’ writing gets me in….at least I know Rigathi will probably accept this….if only cos of that neat little star wars reference up there…. 😉
*Death Stars are fricking awesome. (insert random death star photo here…..wait i can do it for you…..)