We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Posts tagged “getting off

DNFTB Podcast Pilot: A Study Of Porn

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You hoped we were dead! Gone with the wind! Away on a magic carpet ride to oblivion! But you were wrong!

We were just plotting and biding our time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to release this auditory orgasm in your unworthy ears!

Listen to the first episode of the DNFTB podcast as Kevin the Penguin Master, resident advice columnist Auntie Liv and all-around perv Aggrey reminisce about the struggle of dial-up porn consumption and reveal exactly where to find our various porn stashes. And to top it off, we also solve the age old mystery of the Share button on streaming sites.

Abandon decency all ye who enter here!

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Do Not Be Afraid Of The Professionals

All you bleeding heart liberals, self-proclaimed defenders of the honor of women everywhere, those who feel that any unsavory depiction of women is a personal attack against them, all of you, male or female, get the sand out of your vaginas/manginas before you read this.

I’ve been listening to a lot of weird and frankly disgusting depictions of men having sex with women or things approximating that, not with other men. Ah, the sacrifices I make for the sake of this blog (not really, this all just for my juvenile humor). And a conclusion was reached that all in all it might not be that horrendously offensive to engage in lewd sexual antics with a paid professional rather than do the nasty with stanky ass slut.

When I say slut, I mean the kind of woman who will give it up anywhere, anyhow, anyway you want it for no reason. This is not to suggest that women who enjoy sex often get this title. This is for those who will jump off with anything that asks, just to get off.

These nasty bitches probably have several kids have indeterminable parentage. Then think about the all the infections that come from the reckless abandon with which they approach sex. They might be wild and exciting but so is a game of russian roulette, doesn’t mean you should play it.

But having sex with someone who does it for a living is not as dangerous as it might seem. Of course, cheap can be expensive, so make sure you only go for quality. Knowing what threatens your livelihood (and life) means that prostitutes are very proactive when it comes to safe sex.

Prostitutes also know more turns and tricks than anyone has a right to. You get the best treatment that money can buy. They can jerk and jive and shimmy and twist and twirl in ways no one but gymnasts can achieve.

And let’s face the truth. If you going to prostitutes is looking like the better option, then they are probably the hottest chicks (or dudes. I don’t discriminate) that you’re ever going to bang. With exotic imports from all over the world available, you can be getting off with rated 10 chicks instead of the rated 3 that you can get, at best.

Don’t be afraid. Check in to a whore near you (see what I did there?) and enjoy the first, second and even third cumming. You could even foursquare it to help your other depraved and deprived pals. Just make sure to wash off. And it’s not as if you wouldn’t pay for the slut’s dinner and ride home.

NB: If you’re finding trouble find a professional, just check for massage parlours in the classifieds of the daily newspapers that put emphasis on their hot masseurs.