If there is one thing that should be clear by now, the crew here at DNFTB are all extremely, deeply religious. In our own very special and personal ways. We have a faith that is rooted firmly in the sarcasm organs of our souls. So deeply personal are our convictions that they never show up in this episode. Millions of people believing in the Old Voyeur In The Sky doesn’t stop us from exploring the good, old fashioned gambling, incest, rape, (possibly) the first instance of victim blaming and unfortunate comparisons.
Prepare your souls, the righteous DNFTB fires have come to cleanse you minions!
Jidenna walks into conference room for a meeting with Mary, the video creative director.
Mary: Hi, Nice suit.
Jidenna: Thank you.
Mary: It looks familiar. It’s the one you wore to the BET awards isn’t it?
Jidenna: What? No. I threw that away. I wouldn’t wear a suit twice. Goodness me.
Mary: Wait, you’re trying to tell me you don’t ever ever repeat a suit?
Jidenna: Well…there’s the one I wear to funerals.
Mary: Really? That’s the one you don’t replace?
Jidenna: I mean…the people there are either dead or grieving. And it has to be black like everybody elses. They won’t be able to appreciate it.
Mary: I…You know what, let’s get down to business. We need to discuss the idea for Janelle’s Yoga video.
Jidenna: What have you got for me?
Mary: I was thinking we’re going full on with this yoga theme. You’ll be a yoga instructor and…
Jidenna: Wait, what do Yoga instructors wear?
Mary: T-shirts and yoga shorts or…
Jidenna: T shirts and Yoga Shorts? Is that like an ironic name for some kind of spring line-up? Sounds like something Canali or Tom Ford would do. “With the ‘T-shirts and Yoga shorts’ suits, feel lax but look immaculate”.
Mary: No just plain old t-shirts and yoga shorts. I’m sorry Jidenna…are you choking?
Jidenna: … Shorts?
Mary: Maybe not shorts, sweatpants maybe?
Jidenna: Good God…
Mary: Look Jidenna, the theme is yoga…
Jidenna: I will not do this! I reject this madness.
Mary: A track suit then
Jidenna: Just because it has suit in the title does not make it a suit!
Mary: Fine…fine. Maybe we can play around with it. A suit made out of that sweatpants material.
Jidenna: You’re trying to kill me.
Mary: Excuse me?
Jidenna: You were sent from Nigeria weren’t you? I should have known. They wouldn’t let a light skin get away this easily .
Mary: I don’t know what you’re talking about
Jidenna: Terrible fashion as a weapon. I never saw it coming. The cruelty. The inhumanity
Mary: Oh for the love of…ok, what do you suggest?
Jidenna: I’ll wear a suit…
Jidenna: But I’ll be in a diner.
Mary: I…what? What the hell does that have to do with Yoga?
Jidenna: A diner!
Jidenna: Look from what I’ve heard here all you really need me to do is drop some class. Get down and dirty as it were. I’ll lower myself and actually enter a diner. Sit down even. That’s the most I’m willing to compromise.
Mary: oh my God!
Jidenna: I know. It’s brilliant.
Mary: sighs Fine. I can’t sway you. But there is one other thing.
Mary: The classic man remix video. Some people…*cough* some people seem to think you’re a bit stuck up.
Jidenna: Really? Why would they say that.
Mary: I …erm, have no idea. But it’s out there and we have to deal with it. We thought for the video you could do something to change opinions maybe?
Jidenna: I have the perfect idea.
Mary: You do?
Jidenna: I’ll be in this sleek white suit right….
Jidenna: Then, this is the part…I’ll go into a convenience store.
Jidenna: You know, a convenience store. An actual one. Selling…things. Junk food or whatever is in those places. Then I get an ornate type box thing and walk out.
Jidenna: That’s it.
Mary: What’s the point.
Jidenna: I buy things in convenience stores…like a normal person. I’m just like everyone else. Between the diner and the convenience store – I’m a man of the people Mary. A Classic man of the people.
“What did you just say?”
“What you said just now.”
“I said ‘you stupid laptop…’”
“No after that!”
“I asked ‘what?’”
“No, before that and after that other thing. In the middle”
“I…I don’t think I said anything in the middle. Empty spot right there. It was kind of a doughnut of a sentence really.”
“You said, ‘Oh, for Satan’s sake’”
“Yeah, I heard you!”
“I really doubt it. I think I’d remember saying something like that. I probably said oh for SANTA’s sake, that makes more sense.”
“It really doesn’t.”
“No, like you have to make Santa feel good. You invoke his name, play on his pride, that’s just how you get presents. Everybody knows that.”
“No, they don’t actually.”
“This is why you don’t get presents at Christmas”
“Are you secretly a Satanist.”
“A satanist! A devil worshipper.”
“A…What? That accusation is ridiculous, absurd, insane, offensive -”
“You always string on adjectives when you’re lying.”
“Ok fine but it’s not what you think.”
“Kevin, I just discovered you’re an undercover satanist…it would be an incredible feat if I actually had premade thoughts on the matter.”
“I’m going to explain myself anyway.”
Listen. This is for all you people judging me right now. I’m not exactly a Satanist. I’m a token Satanist. You know those religious people who are only religious when it’s suitable to what they want to do or when they’re in trouble? Yeah, it’s like that. And I figure as long as you’re going to half ass a religion, you might as well pick one with advantages. Amirite? Somehow I doubt you’re cheering me on. But that’ll change.
Let me give you a quick lesson in Satanism (that you probably don’t want but are too curious to ignore). While some groups of people have something like say… the 10 commandments, we have the 11 Satanic rules. It’s our backbone, more or less. What are these rules?
Rule one: Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
Right? How many times have you said this? I’m willing to bet it’s at least every damn week. You know why? Because you my friend are a Satanist at heart and you should embrace it. But I don’t expect you to rush into it. I know you’re still unconvinced. So…
Rule Two: Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
That hit a spot didn’t it? You want to tell half the people in your contacts this, don’t you? We Satanist get you. We’re really not as bad as you think. Two rules in and it’s like we read your mind (We didn’t…not really anyway).
Rule Three: When in another’s lair, show them respect or else do not go there.
You want to cheer but you won’t because you’re a good [insert appropriate religious affiliation here] but it’s really just common sense. Yeah, we’ll use words like Lair here and there but that’s just tradition. It’s nothing to think about. Our rules just make sense and it’s undeniable.
Now, you’re thinking, what’s the catch?
I won’t lie to you, there is one. We’re not hippies. We’re Satanist. That’s to say we actually do have a dark side. We have rules like:
Rule Four: If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy.
But think about it. It makes sense doesn’t it? You come to my house and annoy me and then EXPECT mercy? Come on. Not cool. You deserve what happens next. Respect. The. Lair. It’s not much to ask.
However, if you’re hedging because of that, remember:
Rule Five: Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal
Boom! You see that? Satanists for consent. No means no. Even we Satanists know that. It’s right there in our main rules.
Rule Six: Do not take that which does not belong to you, unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.
Thy shall not steal unless that stealing will help the other person. Only steal your neighbours burdens. You see? We’re really nice once you get to know us.
Rule Seven: Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
I mean, what kind of ass denies magic after using it to succeed at life? Who? Magic has feelings. Don’t be a dick. But, If magic screws you over then feel free to detest it and it’s users. (See Mr. Filch in Harry Potter).
Rule Eight: Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
Are you getting convinced? I mean, he’s no saint but Motivational Speaker Lucifer knows what’s up. He get’s to the hard hitting issues with that bite of reality.
Rule Nine: Do not harm little children.
Yeah. You hear that you folks who don’t spare the rod? Hey kids. Convert your slipper wielding parents to Satanism. We don’t tolerate that crap.
Rule Ten: Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
Satanists against poaching.
Rule Eleven: When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
Satanists against street harassment.
I hope I have educated you on our ways and convinced you to join our ranks. We’re really nice. And we throw the best parties. No, really. You have no idea. You haven’t been to a party until you wake up and you’re not sure if that’s a hangover or you’re just possessed.
PS: The information and views set out in this publication are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the values of Do Not Feed The Bloggers.
This disclaimer exists largely because the Church of Satan has asked to be distanced from DNFTB as we are in their words “decadent, valueless and lacking even a shred of conscience.” They have requested we inform you that though their member has written for us, you should not assume that we have corrupted him to our lost ways. The Church of Satan is after all, a decent organization of fine standing, very unlike DNTFB. If you are a follower of the filth that is DNTFB, The Church of Satan would like you to know that they are willing to save your lost soul. All you need do is sign it away to the devil for safe keeping.
You hoped we were dead! Gone with the wind! Away on a magic carpet ride to oblivion! But you were wrong!
We were just plotting and biding our time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to release this auditory orgasm in your unworthy ears!
Listen to the first episode of the DNFTB podcast as Kevin the Penguin Master, resident advice columnist Auntie Liv and all-around perv Aggrey reminisce about the struggle of dial-up porn consumption and reveal exactly where to find our various porn stashes. And to top it off, we also solve the age old mystery of the Share button on streaming sites.
Abandon decency all ye who enter here!
Do not look at me as a prophet of doom for the words I’m about to say. Rather, I reveal the deep truths that we refuse to admit even to ourselves.
SCIENCE HAS FAILED US! How you might ask? Simple. We don’t have robot sex dolls.
I would be more than justified in using this space to bemoan the pathetic state of our sciences and our scholars and our technology, but I’m just not that kind of guy. I’m the kind of guy who thinks beyond his present circumstances and tries to solve the problems that he’s presented with. And there’s only one obvious solution to this dire situation: Necrophilia.
It really is the perfect blend of human contact without the inconvenience of human interaction. Our techniques of human preservation mean that bodies can be maintained in pristine condition after death for a long time. And all it’ll take to get corpses flexible again after rigor mortis is a few strategically placed metal joints. And if you think that is impossible, think of the artificial joints surgeries all over the world that replace knees, elbows and hips. It’s only a small step to doing the same to the dead. It’ll actually be cheaper since you don’t have to worry about anaesthesia and quality of (after)life.
And for all those with petty moral concerns, GET OVER YOURSELVES! You want to deny hundreds of people the joys of having a human sex partner with no demands of their own! What kind of monsters are you!? Yes the partners might be dead, but that’s better than the nothing that those people currently have. It’s not like these corpses will be diverted from some critical function. In fact, we’d actually be using them to bring even more happiness to the world. And I’m sure that if it’s one thing our loved ones would like to know they brought to this world even after their passing, it’s happiness.
Don’t bury or cremate your loved ones. Instead, donate their body to that sexless friend or frustrated who you know could use some good lovin’. In the immortal words of Michael Jackson, you’ll be doing your part to heal the world, to make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.
If you’ve spent some time on this blog then you probably know that the end goal is world domination. What might surprise you however is how long this plan has been in motion. See, when I was a kid we had a giant picture of Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya’s first president, hanging somewhere. Kenyans know the one. The iconic image with the fly whisk.
Now I didn’t know who he was exactly and I certainly didn’t know he was dead at the time. But, because I was a stubborn child who refused to ask questions when I could make my own (horribly uninformed) conclusions, I decided he was the world ruler. Why else would we have a picture of him? Solid reasoning, right? And in a moment of childlike confidence I declared that I would take his job. It was a vow I took very seriously as you can see:
As it turned out the entire office of world ruler was unoccupied so (sadly) I don’t have to unseat anybody. But (again, sadly) I do need you people to actually get the office. Dictatorship ain’t what it used to be. So i (not really) humbly come bearing gifts.
- A GUILT TRIP
Look at the hope in that child’s eyes. Do you want to crush it? Are you trying to get in the way of that dream? Do you dance in a field upon the forgotten corpses of children’s hopes?
If not then support our domination. Vote for us here.
- A POWER PLAY
In case you’re a heartless bastard and you’re not swayed by any of that then consider this. You, our readers are coming with us. When we establish our class system, you’ll be the party members, the aristocracy, the Shogun, the Brahmin etc.
If you want to bathe in the tears of your enemies, Vote here.
- BLACK MAIL
In case guilt or the promise of power aren’t your cup of tea, consider this. We know how you got here. You heard me. We know what you were googling that somehow landed you on this site.
Be it your strange desire to see cartoons misbehaving
-Marvel comics sex
-thumbellina frogo porn
-spongebob flipping off
Or you were accidentally trying to find Vaseline.com (which raises the questions. Why? How did that even lead you here? And Why? Bulk purchase?)
Or the 69 (har har) of you that were looking for a man in a diaper
We know! And if you don’t vote for us. Well…I trust you’ll do the right thing
PS: I really wish I was making up those stats. And those are the tame ones. I love you dear readers, but y’all are messed up people. Which is why you should support your own. Do not feed the bloggers for best creative writing blog. We promise really useful corruption.
You may have heard that we’ve been nominated for Best Creative Writing Blog for the Kenyan Blog Awards 2014. Cue unseemly celebration with terrible dancing and everything. I’d like to thank all you sick twisted people who nominated us. We will take you with us when we take over the world so don’t forget to vote for us here:
As for you new readers. Why should you vote for us? First, meet the bloggers.
I’m the boss around these parts. I’ve been kindly informed several times that sanity is not my strong point.
You can read about my (succesful) quest to find the funniest book ever here
My thoughts on cartoons here
Meet Olivia. Aka BBB (Big Breasted Blogger) our resident cynic.
Are you happy? Let her disabuse you of your foolishness. You are broke and single, accept this here.
I’d say meet Aggrey but it’s probably safer if you watch from a distance. Aggrey, also known as Molesto (The Clown) is our dark side. If i told you how many times we’ve had to seek legal advice on his account (from law students obviously. Ain’t nobody got that kind of money) you wouldn’t believe me.
Nat aka Nuthead is our angry violent side.
Strangely enough, she’s the (relatively) sane one. Sit down and let her teach you the difference between anti-social and selectively social.
Fred is the man in charge of everything else. We need a podcast. He’s our guy. Photographer. The man has invented a way to take pictures of the past so he can tell you what Jesus actually looked like. I would tell you about his hacking activities but we don’t want him to get arrested. Of course, he’s extremely lazy so his world changing activities take a while.
Black lazy James Franco can tell you how all this begun.
You know you want to vote for us. Vote for the Madness