We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Posts tagged “Music

Jidenna: A Classic Man’s Video Problem

Jidenna walks into conference room for a meeting with Mary, the video creative director.

gallery-1433858850-jidenna-classic-man

Mary: Hi, Nice suit.

Jidenna: Thank you.

Mary: It looks familiar. It’s the one you wore to the BET awards isn’t it?

Jidenna: What? No. I threw that away. I wouldn’t wear a suit twice. Goodness me.

Mary: Wait, you’re trying to tell me you don’t ever ever repeat a suit?

Jidenna: Well…there’s the one I wear to funerals.

Mary: Really? That’s the one you don’t replace?

Jidenna: I mean…the people there are either dead or grieving. And it has to be black like everybody elses. They won’t be able to appreciate it.

Mary: I…You know what, let’s get down to business. We need to discuss the idea for Janelle’s Yoga video.

Jidenna: What have you got for me?

Mary: I was thinking we’re going full on with this yoga theme. You’ll be a yoga instructor and…

Jidenna: Wait, what do Yoga instructors wear?

Mary: T-shirts and yoga shorts or…

Jidenna: T shirts and Yoga Shorts? Is that like an ironic name for some kind of spring line-up? Sounds like something Canali or Tom Ford would do. “With the ‘T-shirts and Yoga shorts’ suits, feel lax but look immaculate”.

Mary: No just plain old t-shirts and yoga shorts. I’m sorry Jidenna…are you choking?

Jidenna: … Shorts?

Mary: Maybe not shorts, sweatpants maybe?

Jidenna: Good God…

Mary: Look Jidenna, the theme is yoga…

Jidenna: I will not do this! I reject this madness.

Mary: A track suit then

Jidenna: Just because it has suit in the title does not make it a suit!

Mary: Fine…fine. Maybe we can play around with it. A suit made out of that sweatpants material.

Jidenna: You’re trying to kill me.

Mary: Excuse me?

Jidenna: You were sent from Nigeria weren’t you? I should have known. They wouldn’t let a light skin get away this easily .

Mary: I don’t know what you’re talking about

Jidenna: Terrible fashion as a weapon. I never saw it coming. The cruelty. The inhumanity

Mary: Oh for the love of…ok, what do you suggest?

Jidenna: I’ll wear a suit…

Mary: ok…

Jidenna: But I’ll be in a diner.

Mary: I…what? What the hell does that have to do with Yoga?

Jidenna: A diner!

Mary: Yes?

Jidenna: Look from what I’ve heard here all you really need me to do is drop some class. Get down and dirty as it were. I’ll lower myself and actually enter a diner. Sit down even. That’s the most I’m willing to compromise.

Mary: oh my God!

Jidenna: I know. It’s brilliant.

Capture

Mary: sighs Fine. I can’t sway you. But there is one other thing.

Jidenna: Yes?

Mary: The classic man remix video. Some people…*cough* some people seem to think you’re a bit stuck up.

Jidenna: Really? Why would they say that.

Mary: I …erm, have no idea. But it’s out there and we have to deal with it. We thought for the video you could do something to change opinions maybe?

Jidenna: I have the perfect idea.

Mary: You do?

Jidenna: I’ll be in this sleek white suit right….

Mary: Right…

Jidenna: Then, this is the part…I’ll go into a convenience store.

Mary:…

Jidenna: You know, a convenience store. An actual one. Selling…things. Junk food or whatever is in those places. Then I get an ornate type box thing and walk out.

Mary: And?

Jidenna: That’s it.

Mary: What’s the point.

Jidenna: I buy things in convenience stores…like a normal person. I’m just like everyone else. Between the diner and the convenience store – I’m a man of the people Mary. A Classic man of the people.

Convenience

Advertisements

Aspiring to (Dirty Old) Manhood

Why does getting older mean that you lose all touch with contemporary music? Is there some magic button in our genes that is activated when we reach a certain age?

I’d like to be able to keep up with the hipness of the wily teens running around nowadays. Mostly because I fully intend on being the creepy old guy who you call the cops on because he’s been hanging around the college and university a little too long. And when that sport gets old (or when the restraining order), I’ll be the creep feeling on the young taut butts of the coquettish ladies in the heart-stoppingly short skirts and dresses.

But to at least half-way understand them, I’ll need to be plug into their type of music so that I’m not lost after the customary greetings and squeezings. If they are freaks, I need to be initiate their crazy side with the subliminal code words embedded the hit songs of their day. I fully intend to use the acquired skill of an age to rob the cradle as much as possible, no matter how pathetic it might come across.

Secretly, all dudes want to be able to draw any and all kinds of ass at any age, but for the youngins, I need to be able to at least tolerate their undoubtedly stupid and inane, vapid, shallow nonsense that they spew because I’ll be spending a lot of time around them. And if it goes according to plan, in them too.

Or maybe I’ll just ask my kid sis to pimp her (of age) friends to me. Just cut out all the bullshit of pretending to want to know them and just confuse them with cheap drinks and BOOM! Sweet young poonani! If they’re half as gullible as her, I should be set for life.


Why Not to Fear the Illuminati

1. They’re going to lose

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on world domination schemes (Actually I do, but that aside) but really, who has a worse plan than the illuminati? Anyone who sits down, looks at the situation, makes a plan to take over the world and says “you know who would really help us with this? Lady gaga!” is going to fail!
I mean, its Lady-friggin-Gaga!

Poker face?

When they fail, they cant even blame her. That’s like criticizing Stevie Wonder for not maintaining eye contact.

2. They’re role models.

Part of the lineup is Jay Z, Beyonce, Rihanna and Kanye…to mention a few.
So what you’re saying is, this society ran by rich old white powerful big wigs is hiring black people and women into prominent positions? That’s a first. Something major corporations could learn from dontcha think? Holy crap, these guys just need better marketing.

Illuminati: leading the way past racism and sexism.

3. They pay well

Now, I can’t confirm this…but I hear they pay well for good PR. If someone was to write an article about how theyre not so bad and make people fear them less they are supposedly very very generous. Not that I’d know anything about that. Cough cough