If there is one thing that should be clear by now, the crew here at DNFTB are all extremely, deeply religious. In our own very special and personal ways. We have a faith that is rooted firmly in the sarcasm organs of our souls. So deeply personal are our convictions that they never show up in this episode. Millions of people believing in the Old Voyeur In The Sky doesn’t stop us from exploring the good, old fashioned gambling, incest, rape, (possibly) the first instance of victim blaming and unfortunate comparisons.
Prepare your souls, the righteous DNFTB fires have come to cleanse you minions!
“What did you just say?”
“What you said just now.”
“I said ‘you stupid laptop…’”
“No after that!”
“I asked ‘what?’”
“No, before that and after that other thing. In the middle”
“I…I don’t think I said anything in the middle. Empty spot right there. It was kind of a doughnut of a sentence really.”
“You said, ‘Oh, for Satan’s sake’”
“Yeah, I heard you!”
“I really doubt it. I think I’d remember saying something like that. I probably said oh for SANTA’s sake, that makes more sense.”
“It really doesn’t.”
“No, like you have to make Santa feel good. You invoke his name, play on his pride, that’s just how you get presents. Everybody knows that.”
“No, they don’t actually.”
“This is why you don’t get presents at Christmas”
“Are you secretly a Satanist.”
“A satanist! A devil worshipper.”
“A…What? That accusation is ridiculous, absurd, insane, offensive -”
“You always string on adjectives when you’re lying.”
“Ok fine but it’s not what you think.”
“Kevin, I just discovered you’re an undercover satanist…it would be an incredible feat if I actually had premade thoughts on the matter.”
“I’m going to explain myself anyway.”
Listen. This is for all you people judging me right now. I’m not exactly a Satanist. I’m a token Satanist. You know those religious people who are only religious when it’s suitable to what they want to do or when they’re in trouble? Yeah, it’s like that. And I figure as long as you’re going to half ass a religion, you might as well pick one with advantages. Amirite? Somehow I doubt you’re cheering me on. But that’ll change.
Let me give you a quick lesson in Satanism (that you probably don’t want but are too curious to ignore). While some groups of people have something like say… the 10 commandments, we have the 11 Satanic rules. It’s our backbone, more or less. What are these rules?
Rule one: Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
Right? How many times have you said this? I’m willing to bet it’s at least every damn week. You know why? Because you my friend are a Satanist at heart and you should embrace it. But I don’t expect you to rush into it. I know you’re still unconvinced. So…
Rule Two: Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
That hit a spot didn’t it? You want to tell half the people in your contacts this, don’t you? We Satanist get you. We’re really not as bad as you think. Two rules in and it’s like we read your mind (We didn’t…not really anyway).
Rule Three: When in another’s lair, show them respect or else do not go there.
You want to cheer but you won’t because you’re a good [insert appropriate religious affiliation here] but it’s really just common sense. Yeah, we’ll use words like Lair here and there but that’s just tradition. It’s nothing to think about. Our rules just make sense and it’s undeniable.
Now, you’re thinking, what’s the catch?
I won’t lie to you, there is one. We’re not hippies. We’re Satanist. That’s to say we actually do have a dark side. We have rules like:
Rule Four: If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy.
But think about it. It makes sense doesn’t it? You come to my house and annoy me and then EXPECT mercy? Come on. Not cool. You deserve what happens next. Respect. The. Lair. It’s not much to ask.
However, if you’re hedging because of that, remember:
Rule Five: Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal
Boom! You see that? Satanists for consent. No means no. Even we Satanists know that. It’s right there in our main rules.
Rule Six: Do not take that which does not belong to you, unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.
Thy shall not steal unless that stealing will help the other person. Only steal your neighbours burdens. You see? We’re really nice once you get to know us.
Rule Seven: Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
I mean, what kind of ass denies magic after using it to succeed at life? Who? Magic has feelings. Don’t be a dick. But, If magic screws you over then feel free to detest it and it’s users. (See Mr. Filch in Harry Potter).
Rule Eight: Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
Are you getting convinced? I mean, he’s no saint but Motivational Speaker Lucifer knows what’s up. He get’s to the hard hitting issues with that bite of reality.
Rule Nine: Do not harm little children.
Yeah. You hear that you folks who don’t spare the rod? Hey kids. Convert your slipper wielding parents to Satanism. We don’t tolerate that crap.
Rule Ten: Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
Satanists against poaching.
Rule Eleven: When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
Satanists against street harassment.
I hope I have educated you on our ways and convinced you to join our ranks. We’re really nice. And we throw the best parties. No, really. You have no idea. You haven’t been to a party until you wake up and you’re not sure if that’s a hangover or you’re just possessed.
PS: The information and views set out in this publication are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the values of Do Not Feed The Bloggers.
This disclaimer exists largely because the Church of Satan has asked to be distanced from DNFTB as we are in their words “decadent, valueless and lacking even a shred of conscience.” They have requested we inform you that though their member has written for us, you should not assume that we have corrupted him to our lost ways. The Church of Satan is after all, a decent organization of fine standing, very unlike DNTFB. If you are a follower of the filth that is DNTFB, The Church of Satan would like you to know that they are willing to save your lost soul. All you need do is sign it away to the devil for safe keeping.
20min after eating and I’m desperately looking for a way out. There is no way on God’s green, brown, smoggy and plasticky earth that I can make it through the afternoon when I’m feeling this full and satisfied. I need to get home and just be a beached whale.
Who the hell made after lunch work mandatory? The only thing I should be doing is undoing my belt, zipper, removing my shoes and lying in my bed releasing the occasional fart as digestion goes on.
I’d be happy if I could do that in the office. Can’t the world (esp my boss) just let me stew in my own steamy fragrances without judging me as a lazy, good-for-nothing bastard? Is it so wrong that all I want to do is not think, and scratch my balls occasionally enjoying the delicious food in my belly?
If God wanted us to work all day long, why the hell did he set lunch at 1-2pm? Why did he afflict humanity with the itis immediately after a nice filling meal? Afternoon work is a perversion by man of God’s proper day plan for man. Just on religious grounds, this is vile and wrong.
I’d rise up and start a revolution to set the things back in their proper order, buuuut, I need to sneak a nap in at my desk. Maybe later.
Greetings my not so faithful audience (we will discuss your infidelity some other time). You may not know this but for a long time, I have been on an epic quest. For several years now I’ve been searching for an elusive treasure and at long last, I’ve found it. What treasure you ask? What do I have to present now that I’ve taken off my Indiana Jones hat. Well…at long last, I have found – the funniest book ever written.
Before you rush to congratulate me or scoff in disbelief let me present my findings. Here is the book I speak of.
I know it looks like some crappy, cheap, semi porn romance novel but it isn’t. Well, its not a semi porn romance book at any rate. This is a Christian book intended to offer guidance to the Kenyan youth. By that I mean it’s a thinly veiled piece of guilt propaganda that was cobbled together overnight, stapled and put up for sale without even taking out the typos. It also happens to be quite unintentionally hilarious.
It answers questions that plague every young person such as-
Lord knows many have agonized over this very complicated line of thought. I cant recall how many times I’ve seen someone propose only to receive the reply “Uh…who are you?”
Do you watch porn? I have bad news for you. The author has researched and come up with several well thought out consequences of watching porn.
Did you hear that team forever alone? Porn will get you laid…a lot. Constantly even, if this book is to be trusted. Its impossible for you to watch porn and not be knee deep in um…I could have sworn I had a proper way to finish this sentence when i started it. I’ll let your dirty minds fill it in.
BUT…you musn’t be tempted by the magic of porn. After all, not only will your partners be riddled with STDs, theres the bible to think about. Look at this highly reliable bible quote.
That’s right. I’m sure you all remember this bible passage. It was right before Paul barged into a Corinthian household and kicked in a flat screen and yelled “I reps the 254, biatch” and then left for his grammar class.
As for the next one…
I don’t even know what joke to make here. No…wait, i’ve got it.
I have many times been called a pessimist, a title I deny vehemently. Here’s why.
A pessimist is someone who waits for negative things to happen
An optimist is someone looks forward to positive things happening.
I on the other hand LOOK FORWARD to negative things happening.
While I do specialize in the negative like a pessimist, I await them with the glad expectant pose of an optimist. An Optipest if you will. One who not only expects the negative, but cant wait for it to happen. In fact I have a list of the most intriguing of these awkward, unconstructive events that’s fast on its way to becoming a book. I’ll share some of it with you.
1. The glorious day when Facebook’s system screws up everybody’s birthday and everyone comes to the oh so startling truth that, no one actually knows when their birthday is.
2. Jesus second coming; when he meets the 1 billion + members of the Roman catholic church. See…I figure the last thing Jesus would want to see is a cross. I mean, he was nailed to the damn thing till he died. It’s like JFK coming back and the crowds gather with little sniper rifles bracelets. The question that should be on the mind of every Optipest is…whats gonna happen? What Will Jesus Do? WWJD?
3. That shocking moment after you finish reading this and i inform you that skittles have carminic acid in them. Not shocked yet…let me break down carminc acid into layman terms. Carminic acid = crushed carcasses of dead boiled beetles used to color your candy. Bon appetit
This are just a few of the glorious moments in the life of an Optipest. Join the movement,l wait for the “Optipest bible” titled “The Cup is half full…of poison”