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Posts tagged “satire

For Satan’s Sake

Agh, don’t do it again you stupid laptop. Don’t crash, don’t crash…Oh for Satan’s sake!”

What did you just say?”

What?”

What you said just now.”

I said ‘you stupid laptop…’”

No after that!”

I asked ‘what?’”

No, before that and after that other thing. In the middle”

I…I don’t think I said anything in the middle. Empty spot right there. It was kind of a doughnut of a sentence really.”

You said, ‘Oh, for Satan’s sake’”

Did I?”

Yeah, I heard you!”

I really doubt it. I think I’d remember saying something like that. I probably said oh for SANTA’s sake, that makes more sense.”

It really doesn’t.”

No, like you have to make Santa feel good. You invoke his name, play on his pride, that’s just how you get presents. Everybody knows that.”

No, they don’t actually.”

This is why you don’t get presents at Christmas”

Kevin!”

Yes?”

Are you secretly a Satanist.”

“A SANTA-ist?”

A satanist! A devil worshipper.”

A…What? That accusation is ridiculous, absurd, insane, offensive -”

You always string on adjectives when you’re lying.”

Ok fine but it’s not what you think.”

Kevin, I just discovered you’re an undercover satanist…it would be an incredible feat if I actually had premade thoughts on the matter.”

I’m going to explain myself anyway.”

*

Listen. This is for all you people judging me right now. I’m not exactly a Satanist. I’m a token Satanist. You know those religious people who are only religious when it’s suitable to what they want to do or when they’re in trouble? Yeah, it’s like that. And I figure as long as you’re going to half ass a religion, you might as well pick one with advantages. Amirite? Somehow I doubt you’re cheering me on. But that’ll change.

Let me give you a quick lesson in Satanism (that you probably don’t want but are too curious to ignore). While some groups of people have something like say… the 10 commandments, we have the 11 Satanic rules. It’s our backbone, more or less. What are these rules?

Rule one: Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

Right? How many times have you said this? I’m willing to bet it’s at least every damn week. You know why? Because you my friend are a Satanist at heart and you should embrace it. But I don’t expect you to rush into it. I know you’re still unconvinced. So…

Rule Two: Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

That hit a spot didn’t it? You want to tell half the people in your contacts this, don’t you? We Satanist get you. We’re really not as bad as you think. Two rules in and it’s like we read your mind (We didn’t…not really anyway).

Rule Three: When in another’s lair, show them respect or else do not go there.

You want to cheer but you won’t because you’re a good [insert appropriate religious affiliation here] but it’s really just common sense. Yeah, we’ll use words like Lair here and there but that’s just tradition. It’s nothing to think about. Our rules just make sense and it’s undeniable.

Now, you’re thinking, what’s the catch?

I won’t lie to you, there is one. We’re not hippies. We’re Satanist. That’s to say we actually do have a dark side. We have rules like:

Rule Four: If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy.

But think about it. It makes sense doesn’t it? You come to my house and annoy me and then EXPECT mercy? Come on. Not cool. You deserve what happens next. Respect. The. Lair. It’s not much to ask.

However, if you’re hedging because of that, remember:

Rule Five: Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal

Boom! You see that? Satanists for consent. No means no. Even we Satanists know that. It’s right there in our main rules.

Rule Six: Do not take that which does not belong to you, unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.

Thy shall not steal unless that stealing will help the other person. Only steal your neighbours burdens. You see? We’re really nice once you get to know us.

Rule Seven: Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

I mean, what kind of ass denies magic after using it to succeed at life? Who? Magic has feelings. Don’t be a dick. But, If magic screws you over then feel free to detest it and it’s users. (See Mr. Filch in Harry Potter).

Rule Eight: Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Are you getting convinced? I mean, he’s no saint but Motivational Speaker Lucifer knows what’s up. He get’s to the hard hitting issues with that bite of reality.

Rule Nine: Do not harm little children.

Yeah. You hear that you folks who don’t spare the rod? Hey kids. Convert your slipper wielding parents to Satanism. We don’t tolerate that crap.

Rule Ten: Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

Satanists against poaching.

Rule Eleven: When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Satanists against street harassment.

I hope I have educated you on our ways and convinced you to join our ranks. We’re really nice. And we throw the best parties. No, really. You have no idea. You haven’t been to a party until you wake up and you’re not sure if that’s a hangover or you’re just possessed.

PS: The information and views set out in this publication are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the values of Do Not Feed The Bloggers.

This disclaimer exists largely because the Church of Satan has asked to be distanced from DNFTB as we are in their words “decadent, valueless and lacking even a shred of conscience.” They have requested we inform you that though their member has written for us, you should not assume that we have corrupted him to our lost ways. The Church of Satan is after all, a decent organization of fine standing, very unlike DNTFB. If you are a follower of the filth that is DNTFB, The Church of Satan would like you to know that they are willing to save your lost soul. All you need do is sign it away to the devil for safe keeping.


To World Domination

If you’ve spent some time on this blog then you probably know that the end goal is world domination. What might surprise you however is how long this plan has been in motion. See, when I was a kid we had a giant picture of Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya’s first president, hanging somewhere. Kenyans know the one. The iconic image with the fly whisk.

Now I didn’t know who he was exactly and I certainly didn’t know he was dead at the time. But, because I was a stubborn child who refused to ask questions when I could make my own (horribly uninformed) conclusions, I decided he was the world ruler. Why else would we have a picture of him? Solid reasoning, right? And in a moment of childlike confidence I declared that I would take his job. It was a vow I took very seriously as you can see:

Your king has arrived

Your king has arrived

As it turned out the entire office of world ruler was unoccupied so (sadly) I don’t have to unseat anybody. But (again, sadly) I do need you people to actually get the office. Dictatorship ain’t what it used to be. So i (not really) humbly come bearing gifts.

  1. A GUILT TRIP

Look at the hope in that child’s eyes. Do you want to crush it? Are you trying to get in the way of that dream? Do you dance in a field upon the forgotten corpses of children’s hopes?

If not then support our domination. Vote for us here.

 

  1. A POWER PLAY

In case you’re a heartless bastard and you’re not swayed by any of that then consider this. You, our readers are coming with us. When we establish our class system, you’ll be the party members, the aristocracy, the Shogun, the Brahmin etc.

If you want to bathe in the tears of your enemies, Vote here.

 

  1. BLACK MAIL

In case guilt or the promise of power aren’t your cup of tea, consider this. We know how you got here. You heard me. We know what you were googling that somehow landed you on this site.

Be it your strange desire to see cartoons misbehaving

-Marvel comics sex

-thumbellina frogo porn

-spongebob flipping off

Or you were accidentally trying to find Vaseline.com (which raises the questions. Why? How did that even lead you here? And Why? Bulk purchase?)

Or the 69 (har har) of you that were looking for a man in a diaper

We know! And if you don’t vote for us. Well…I trust you’ll do the right thing

PS: I really wish I was making up those stats. And those are the tame ones. I love you dear readers, but y’all are messed up people. Which is why you should support your own. Do not feed the bloggers for best creative writing blog. We promise really useful corruption.

 


The Dark World of Toons

A huge part of babysitting is watching animations (Wait…is it? Ah, screw it. It is if you’re lazy). The problem with this is that I end up watching animated movies I saw as a kid. Might not seem like such a big deal but you have to keep in mind, I grew up into the type of person who writes for a blog like this. SO I end up noticing things like…

aladdin

aladdin 2

Back that thang up!

Aladdin isn’t interested if there’s any less than 3 girls – and they better know how to belly dance!

aladdin 3

Unless you know. They come with an entire kingdom (and a tiger).

But kidding aside. One of those pictures with the girls is taken out of context. The other one though is the truly interesting one. You see, Genie is showing Aladdin all the stuff he can offer him. He’s made it explicitly clear that he can’t make someone fall in love with you. And really, you don’t need a genie to know these girls aren’t exactly in this for the emotions.

aladdin 4

However, the animation that actually got me to write this post is thumbellina,  probably the darkest children’s movie of all time. Our thumb sized heroine goes through a whole lot of things.

First, she’s kidnapped by a pink haired, big busted, skimpily dressed, musician frog (Essentially the nicki minaj of the frog world).

thumbelina

To what end. This frog wants Thumbelina to marry her son (not the kind of frog who turns into a prince when kissed). She escapes before the wedding and falls into yet more trouble. At some point she’s kicked out of a party for being too ugly. She’s literally heckled by the whole place. Direct quote from one of them, “she’s so ugly she’s hurting my feelings.”

Meanwhile, the prince in the story has been stabbed and the person trying to rescue her just got frozen under the ice (Very happy story this one). She’s then saved by a field mouse who takes her to “The Mole’s” house. The mole is the filthy rich guy in the story.

mole1

Once the mouse hears her sob story and her hopes of getting back to her prince she leans in kindly and basically says, “you idiot. Why are you marrying for love. Marry for the money! That’s where it’s all at! Marry the mole.”

Just in case you think im exaggerating, here’s the direct quote (delivered in song).

“Love? Love is what you read about in books my dear. Here comes the bride- is a lovely little diddy. But marrying for love is a foolish thing to do. Coz love won’t pay the mortgage or put porridge in your bowl.”

I burst out laughing at this point. Dark for a children’s story? Very. But hey when it comes down to it Disney princesses end up marrying the richest guy in the kingdom all the time (unless you’re a stone cold player like Aladdin). This one’s just honest about its message neh? Then the song dropped these lines

“Romeo and Juliet. Were very much in love when they were wed. They honoured every vow. So where are they now? They’re DEAD! DEAD! VERY VERY DEAD!”

Well. Talk about pulling no punches. Kids need to hear this stuff straight up. If you marry for love you will die. Find yourself a rich guy. Can’t argue with that logic.

You can watch the Marry the mole song here yourself.


Within the Oval Office

General: President Obama, you wanted to see me?
Obama: Yes…Tell me general, how the hell am I supposed to sell this to the people?
General: What? Sir
Obama: Don’t “What” me, you know damn well what I’m talking about.
General: You mean the city…
Obama: Of course I mean the city. The city that I’m just now learning about, from a journalist no less. The city with all the mutant freaks in it! How am I supposed to explain this goddamned place to the people?
General: Tell them it’s for national security
Obama: For national secu…HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THESE PICTURES? Look at this! These two people have no bodies! They’re just legs…WALKING LIVING LEGS! LOOK!

cc parents
General: I’m quite familiar with them sir.
Obama: Oh, you are? What about their children. Yes, the legs have children. More legs? No no no That wouldn’t be disturbing enough for you people. They just had to be a talking cow and a talking chicken. What the hell…Just look at this. The damned cow walks on two legs. Look at it just sitting there. Jesus Christ man!

cow-and-chicken
General: Sir, I know this looks bad…
Obama: Looks bad? LOOKS BAD!? What about this red guy? Is that satan? How am I supposed to sell it. America, I present living legs that give birth to animals…oh and the devil. It’s for national security.
General: But it really is
Obama: Oh is it now? How.
General: Well. The cow
Obama: The talking cow?
General: Yes. The talking cow. It has super powers.
Obama: What?
General: It has super powers.
Obama: What?
General: It has…
Obama: I heard you. General…
General: Yes?
Obama: Are you screwing with me right now
General: No, sir. I would never…
Obama: Look at me.
General: Sir?
Obama: Look at me
General: ok…
Obama: What do I look like?
General: Sir?
Obama: Describe me
General: Sir?
Obama: Say sir one more time. I dare you. I double dare you. Say sir one more time and I’m going to shoot at you with this staple gun. Now, describe me!
General: You’re black.
Obama: And?
General: Big ears?
Obama: Do I look like Bill Clinton?
General: Sir?…OW! You shot me with a Staple! Ah God! That hurts
Obama: DO I LOOK LIKE BILL CLINTON?
General: No!
Obama: Then why are you trying to f*** with me in the Oval office?
General: I’m not…
Obama: yes, you are! Yes you are. And I don’t like to be f***** by nobody in this office except Mrs Obama.
General:…
Obama: Do you read the bible General? If you did, you’d know living legs, talking chickens, Satan and goddamned super hero cows are things you find in revelations and people already think im the anti Christ. So you fix this and you find a way to blame North Korea.
General: yes Mr. President
Obama: Anything else I need to know?
General: Um…yes. We have one more experiment city. Under the sea. Codenamed. Bikini bottom


Creepy Songs

“Hello” by Lionel Richie. Is this song not just the essence of romance? Doesn’t it just warm your heart? How could anyone not be moved by it. I’m sure all you girls dream of one day being stalked by Lionel Richie. (Though, I suspect, that’s less the song and more because you woke up, found him watching you as you slept and thought it was a dream.) LIONEL SHHH Now maybe I am taking a cheap shot. I mean, lyrics like:

“I sometimes see you pass outside my door.

 Hello!Is it me you’re looking for?”

Easily lend themselves to imagine a reaction like, “No, Lionel. If I was looking for you I’d have knocked. How did you even know I was…oh my God! Were you watching from the keyhole?” You may say that I’m bashing old Lionel over poor wording that’s just unintentionally creepy. You may even believe this argument- until you see the song’s video. I promise I am not making up any of the following (you probably won’t believe me but- here goes).

We see Lionel Richie as a lecturer. I’m not sure what class he’s teaching but apparently, the curriculum involves assigning one of your students to pretend to have just left prison after 25 years and ask out one of the other students. I’m sure if you’ve heard the phrase 25 to life you can guess what kind of pretend crimes we’re talking about here. As the ex-con tries to set up a date with the girl, Lionel sits back and proceeds to totally eye bang her. lionel 2 We next see our creepy lecturer watching her as she’s in her next class. Just as we’re beginning to think that maybe it isn’t stalking, he’s so blatant about it that if she minded she would have objected by now, the twist comes in. She’s BLIND! He literally follows this blind student down corridors, to all her classes and stands creepily behind her until her friends show up and he has to pretend he was just walking by.

At the end of the video is a particularly “romantic” sequence. See, she’s in this sculpting class. When he finally shows up there, she shows him her sculpture and…tada, it’s a sculpture of him. She’s blind and she sculpted him, its clearly a sign that they’re meant to be. Star-crossed lovers as it were.

lionelrichie Or, more likely, considering his conduct throughout the video- he broke into her house and rubbed her hands over his face as she slept until his image was subconsciously burned into her mind.  I’ll post the video here and let you judge for yourself which you think it is.

But…what if he did all this on purpose. The song is not actually a love song but a parody of some kind? Well…take a look at this.

“Richie said he had been thanked by a large number of normally tongue-tied men who had proposed marriage after a slow dance to the song.”

TRANSLATION: Stalkers have shared their stories with Lionel Richie at the monthly Stalkers Anonymous meeting. After hearing the song while watching women they didnt know dance, they got the guts to propose to them. No word on how many of those proposals were successful.


Funniest Book Ever

Greetings my not so faithful audience (we will discuss your infidelity some other time). You may not know this but for a long time, I have been on an epic quest. For several years now I’ve been searching for an elusive treasure and at long last, I’ve found it. What treasure you ask?  What do I have to present now that I’ve taken off my Indiana Jones hat. Well…at long last, I have found – the funniest book ever written.

Before you rush to congratulate me or scoff in disbelief let me present my findings. Here is the book I speak of.

I know it looks like some crappy, cheap, semi porn romance novel but it isn’t. Well, its not a semi porn romance book at any rate. This is a Christian book intended to offer guidance to the Kenyan youth. By that I mean it’s a thinly veiled piece of guilt propaganda that was cobbled together overnight, stapled and put up for sale without even taking out the typos. It also happens to be quite unintentionally hilarious.

It answers questions that plague every young person such as-

Lord knows many have agonized over this very complicated line of thought. I cant recall how many times I’ve seen someone propose only to receive the reply “Uh…who are you?”

Do you watch porn? I have bad news for you. The author has researched and come up with several well thought out consequences of watching porn.

And

Did you hear that team forever alone? Porn will get you laid…a lot. Constantly even, if this book is to be trusted. Its impossible for you to watch porn and not be knee deep in um…I could have sworn I had a proper way to finish this sentence when i started it. I’ll let your dirty minds fill it in.

BUT…you musn’t be tempted by the magic of porn. After all, not only will your partners be riddled with STDs, theres the bible to think about. Look at this highly reliable bible quote.

That’s right. I’m sure you all remember this bible passage. It was right before Paul barged into a Corinthian household and kicked in a flat screen and yelled “I reps the 254, biatch” and then left for his grammar class.

As for the next one…

I don’t even know what joke to make here. No…wait, i’ve got it.


Religion + Politics = Hair

Like most of the male population, I find women a mystery. But nothing about women, especially black women, is more mysterious than matters related to hair.  I mean, hours at the salon? What are they REALLY doing? What could possibly take that long? And most importantly, what are those alien pod things for? Is the woman below not in an alien craft about to get her mind wiped?

Salon? Spaceship? Is there really a difference

Alien technology aside, I have come to learn that this hair mystery runs even deeper than I assumed. It all started when I was talking to one of my best friends and the conversation went something like this.

Her: Wait a second. Natural? Did you just say your girlfriend has natural hair?

Me: Um…yes. Natural.

Her: That floozie! That absolute witch!  (Due to the shakiness of the skype connection I cannot be completely sure that she said “witch”) I cannot believe that you’re dating a traitor!

Me: Whoa! A traitor? What’s the big deal?

Her: Whats the big deal? WHATS THE BIG DEAL!? First they started their war on fake boobs, then they attacked make up …and now they’re after my hair! My precious hair! I can’t even…and you’re DATING THEM!

Me: Them? I am not….

Her: Don’t defend yourself. You want me to be a flat chested, acne filled, frizzy haired girl is that it?

Me: Now, wait a second…

Her: Its that girlfriend of yours isn’t it? She’s jealous isn’t she?

Now I’m going to break off the conversation here for my personal safety. I shall simply tell you when it became about hair again. Apparently, natural and “unnatural(?)” hair is not just about the hair. No, it’s way deeper. See, it’s about politics and religion. Confused? It’s about women, thats only to be expected. I’ll break down how it works.

The “unnatural” movement is apparently political. It’s a pro-colonial movement. I shall quote her here.

“The unnatural movement says, I am pro-colonialism. It screams, I love you Europeanses (yes, that’s what she said) and I want my hair to reflect how cool you all are. I mimic you and say, Return and control me Europeanses.”

Me: So, you don’t have natural hair because…you support colonialism.

Her: Yes, the Europeanses are our friends.

So that’s that. And natural hair? This is the breakdown.

“Natural hair is a religious movement. They draw their inspiration from the Swahili-bantu proverb “akili ni nywele” (her Swahili is laughable by the way. You know how all those tourists try their hand at some Swahili words? Its worse. Way way worse). It means intelligence is in the hair (that’s not what it means….not really). They believe their natural hair gives them knowledge and wisdom. It is to be worshiped. You will hear about how they “discovered themselves” since they went natural. How they see things clearly now and how unworthy us unbelievers are. (insert spitting sound here) the  HEATHENS!”

And there you have it. What a girls hair says about her political and religious affiliations. All from a very credible source to. Girls are weird huh? The more you know.